Title essentially says it all....

I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm so fucking frustrated. Pick up and move my whole life to a new city? No problem. Work three jobs at once? Been there done that. Public speaking? Sure thing. Learning a second language? Psh. Don't get me started. Running a business for five weeks by myself? Did that too.

Literally as I am writing this, I got a call offering me a job that I really wanted. Took it. I start Thursday. Boom, done, no problem.

Human interaction... I would rather work that five weeks by myself again (and it was in a 100+ degree garage, too).

I have major depression, panic disorder, PTSD and DID (split personality). One will trigger the other and then it's a fucking domino effect. At one point I was such a mess that I stopped being able to leave the house, I would just sit in my room and cry all day. My friends and family all abandoned me, and those that remained ended up resenting me and becoming emotionally abusive, which made everything worse. The instant I got better I moved out of the city, and then when things got bad again I changed states and left everything behind without looking back.

I keep hearing (from very kind, very well-meaning people) that I need to socialize, and I do, or everything will come right back and I know it. But every time I go to Meetup for my city, or I walk by a bar, I start shaking or crying and feeling the panic coming back. So I run away.

It feels like either way I lose. If I keep isolating--just do my 40+ a week, keep my head down except when buying essentials--that's the safer bet but I will go mad with the loneliness. If I get out there and interact with people, I risk a panic attack or disassociating and then it's all pointless. Why the fuck should I go meet people if it's just going to be an alter taking over? Why should I fucking bother with people if they're just going to see me as an anxious freak?