Hi there. I'm new to this subreddit. I am looking for a sense of community. I have lived years feeling isolated even when I haven't been alone.

When I was little, though, I was alone a LOT. My mom was not attentive very often unless she was getting after me for something I did that would bother her or to give me commands (this wasn't ALWAYS the case, but it dominated over times she was kind or attentive.) Dad was mostly kind to me as far as I can remember but he was often absent since he had a pretty hardcore drug addiction and was in and out of rehab. The neglect and isolation got worse as I got older. Dad died, and within year and a half of his death Mom started leaving leaving my siblings and me (age 9 and onward) home alone, often for days at a time. I am the oldest of several children and the responsibility that Mom would avoid would fall on my shoulders. I almost always felt alone and "in my head," daydreaming, fantasizing about what I would and could do if I weren't home alone tending my siblings. I would miss school a lot, for years. We started moving around frequently and I felt more social anxiety and isolation with each move. Around age 9 I developed a perfectionistic personality, an eating disorder, OCD, and I've felt recurring, pervasive depression and sense of loneliness since I can remember being alive (probably since I've been 3 or so.) I'm a creative person and I also used making art and music to cope, but the older I've gotten the more "scatterbrained" I feel my mind has become and I've also become so busied with other responsibilities, art is often put on the back-burner and when I DO participate I will either feel extremely exhausted and uninspired as I try to work and give up easily on a project, or I will be bursting with ideas that I can't keep up with and I will lose steam and focus often before finishing something and the project goes abandoned. This happens over and over and over again. It has for years.

Growing up, there was also physical and emotional abuse and sexual trauma for which I've been seeing therapists for years. I've worked through a lot of my wounds in DBT, CBT, EMDR, tons of journaling and talking it out. I wonder how much of the neglect/abuse affected the formation of my brain and mental health. I'm not really here to focus as much on that as to say, no matter what I seem to do, no matter how many therapists I see, support groups I've joined, medications I've tried, "healthy" living I try to embrace (trying to eat in a balanced, nutritional way, attempting to get on a healthy sleep schedule (I really struggle with that,) exercising regularly, taking vitamins, meditating, yoga, getting babysitters so I can go on dates with spouse and participate in uplifting social activities, and other forms of self-care...I still can't seem to get CONSISTENT peace of mind. My mind swings from feeling very depressed, exhausted, and lonely to this heightened state of anxiety and sense of sudden capability. I often feel easily irritable. I don't do super "extreme" things, so I don't think it's bipolar I, but I've been suspecting and wondering lately if it's bipolar II. The bursts of energy I sometimes feel, which are so fleeting, seem to be just like normal functioning in a more condensed state. What I mean is that, for example, I might get a sudden burst of energy and spend a whole day cleaning and organizing my house and suddenly get the energy and confidence to go to the store and purchase a bunch of organizational items and drop off the Salvation Army donations I've been meaning to get to, which have been heaping up into a huge pile over the previous several months. I suddenly have energy to do "normal" projects that I don't typically have the drive or focus to do, so I want to do as many as I can while I have the energy. It's often annoying to my spouse because I will stay up late and focus on such projects but avoid intimate/relaxation time with him because my mind is in some sort of "tunnel vision" mode. It's like I don't know when the next time I'll feel good enough to get these to-dos accomplished so I "binge" on them before I run out of steam, and I'll make elaborate plans to do more to-dos, but then within a day or two I'll "crash" back into a disorganized depressive state in which I feel like I can barely function, I'm exhausted, and the messes start piling up again.

DOES ANYONE ELSE RELATE TO THIS? I went to see a psychiatric NP a couple of weeks ago and asked to be screened for bipolar II. She did a quick screening but wasn't convinced/didn't feel she had adequate information to conclude that I have it, but also didn't want to rule it out. I'm not on any meds right now as I am currently pregnant (third trimester) and NP doesn't want to interfere posing possible risks on baby. Note: I do have these emotional and physical ups and downs historically even when I'm not pregnant.

I also have never felt a big enough of a positive difference while on SSRIs in the past, so I haven't continued to take them for more than a few months or maybe a year at a time. I'm really curious if mood stabilizers would help me. I have never tried mood stabilizers. I've been so reluctant to take meds in past even though I've tried a few (Wellbutrin, Paxil, Zoloft and I think Prozac) at different times over the past 10 years, but I am so desperate for help. Note: I was also diagnosed with ADHD (the quieter, wandering mind type) while in college 10 years ago and took Adderall at different times. I DID notice a difference in focus then, but my anxiety was often through the roof and I just went into tunnel vision/panic/over-work mode most of the time. It helped me get through semesters in college but it didn't add much to my quality of life otherwise.)

I am desperate for community. I am embarrassed to share all these details with my spouse as I don't want to burden him with this stuff constantly. He does know I went to see NP and he knows about my mental health issues and my past, but I haven't told him I suspect I might have bipolar II. I fear he will get fearful and distracted by the possibility of something that still sounds kind of taboo. Honestly, he would probably be really supportive, though. I just don't want him to be the only person in my support system, I guess, as I think I need other voices, especially those of whom who have experienced similar things as I have and who have found the treatment they need to live with well-being and vitality instead of in a vicious, mentally-exhaustive cycle all the time...that is, if anyone who is reading this can relate to that.

I really want to get the help I need but I feel like I still living in so much confusion and struggle to advocate for what's really going on in my head in a realistic way that my doctors/providers can understand. I try but when I discuss the symptoms I feel like I want to scream them out but I am so calm, so composed every time I go, and I often seem to forget how bad symptoms are until I'm in the throes of them. Hope that makes sense.

I need help so I can be as healthy a person as possible: for me, for my spouse, for my existing children and this baby that will soon be here. I have gone through deep, pervasive post-partum depressions and anxiety attacks with my previous children and I am trying to arm myself as much as possible with resources and skills before I have this one.

Thanks for taking time to read this. (Forgive any typos that exist as I'm not spell-checking this post.) :)