Hi there!

I'm a bit drunk and looking for some company, but am at home alone right now so I decided to post here and see what happens. Let's talk!

So the reason why I'm posting here in Mental Health is that my supposed egoism plays a big role in my interactions with others and feels pretty unnatural so I have a feeling it has to do something with my mental health. Let me elaborate a bit.

Recently I started feeling very egoistic. While not entirely sure about the reasons for it, I think there always was a bit of egoism in me since early childhood, and it is only now that I started coming to terms with it. The realization was pretty painful, but then I also realized this egoism of mine actually makes life much easier

• Whenever I talk with others I tend to concentrate on my thoughts and feelings, and myself in general - trying to connect the dots in order to understand my own problems better, applying their situations and problems to mine, and so on.
• I find it pretty hard to remember stuff about other people, even when they tell me the same thing several times. They often get angry when they find out I don't remember anything. At the same time, remembering my own problems is not a problem at all.
• I am somewhat afraid of serious relationships. This is a serious and strange topic, a problem that surfaced only recently - I've always wished to be in a long, stable romantic relationship and to have deep, meaningful friendships, but now find it almost impossible to dive in either of those. Keeping many surface relationships is much easier and more comfortable for me for some reason, even though I somehow feel it's not my natural state.
• My family relationships are fucked. Home is where I am the most egoistic I could've ever imagined. I just stopped to care about these people and only do the bare minimum now to sustain what's left. It hurts, because I know my family loves me very much and would sacrifice anything for my happiness, however I just don't want to be around them anymore and feel pretty depressed and aggressive at home.
• All interaction with friends and colleagues at work for me comes down to this mini-game of earning social points, either by simply talking to them and hearing them out, or making their days better. I have nice relationships with many people and find it pretty easy to get in touch with strangers, but I don't feel that it's a genuine desire to make them happy. What I'm usually after is some kind of praise and love and nice things in return, and sometimes I get upset when they don't even notice what I do for them (and yes, I know that's irrational when you genuinely want to just make people happy).
• My biggest dream as of now is to travel the world, and it is just now that I realized one of the hidden reasons this idea appeals so much to me. You see, traveling as I imagine it (as in having no plans, hitchhiking, spending only a little time at one place and so on) means that I will have lots and lots of surface relationships - in other words, I won't have to remove my mask and will rely heavily on the first impression, which I'm pretty good at, while not having to reveal any deeper feelings and flaws that I have, and not disappointing people and myself as a result. No plans, no obligations, but a lot of freedom.

However, I have an extremely strong feeling that there's much more to the problem than this, and that this state is not natural for me. A part of me still needs and years for deep, loving, serious relationships with people; I still want to be loved and love others unconditionally. This egoistic position as I see it is just a very comfortable place for me to be right now. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism against some psychological harm. I don't know.

Just a couple years ago I was - or felt, at least - very different. I still want people to be happy regardless of myself and what I want and feel.

Do you guys have any thoughts on this? I'm all for a deep conversation, if you're up to it as well. It's very much possible I just can't connect the dots somewhere to be able to see the bigger picture, but perhaps you might help me with that?

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tl;dr: I feel very egoistic, especially lately. Above are several observations that I've made recently that all seem to confirm this.

To a degree, being an egoist is more than okay for me - it's a very comfortable position. However, I feel that it's pretty unnatural for me, and there seems to be some kind of barrier that blocks me from engaging in deeper, meaningful relationships with people. Usually I don't really care about it, but sometimes I feel pretty miserable and have no idea what to do.