Hello there,

it's a bit difficult to describe my thought process and I'm not a native english speaker, so sorry if this text doesn't really come across as very structured. Basically, I've had issues "fitting in", for a lack of a better term, since basically forever (no childhood trauma or anything like that). I've always been the odd one out in any group that I was a part of (school, sports, work), I never quite understood why though (there was some mild bullying involved, but I think as a consequence rather than a cause). I've had a handful of friends throughout my life but I'm not particularly close to any of them (e.g. I'd be very uncomfortable discussing any of this with them). I've always had problems focusing on tasks and following conversations, though this went never to the point of being crippling career wise (I could finish school/uni just fine - though some of my teachers insisted I had a learning disability, I don't think they were actually qualified to make that call and none of the psychologists I went to previously agreed with them, and neither do the results I achieved so far - and I think I'm doing OK with work).

As a teenager I sought out psychological treatment a couple of times, though never with real results (I was suggested in-class observation which I rejected because I feared it would weaken my position even further, and group therapy which would've overlapped (and thus interfered with) school work, also I was doing badly enough with the groups I was normally forced into and I didn't want to be in another group of people I couldn't get along, especially if they're as bad at being in a group as I am), though I did like the one on one talks with them. I guess part of it was my frustration that there was no silver bullet or magic pill that would somehow 'fix' me, I think I'm more mature than that now.

In any case, I was thinking about going to a psychologist again, but I was also feeling kind of weird about. On the one hand, I sort of feel like my problems are severe because I'll never be in a position where I won't have to get along with people, and I don't really want to stand out as the weird one forever. On the other hand, in terms of objective life achievements I'm also doing okay and I'm not really emotionally distressed by my (partial) isolation, and I'm not really sure if a psychologist or a psychiatrist could even help me (I don't even know how they would, considering my problems are probably not some illness or anything like that but some fundamental flaw with my character or something along those lines), and I don't really want to waste their time rambling on about problems I'm having and sort of trying to justify to them or myself that they're "real" problems.

In any case, that's roughly my thoughts on the matter. I'm hoping this made some amount of sense. Sorry for wasting your time if it didn't.