I'm on winter break from school (I'm a senior in high school, 18) and the new time I have on my hands is killing me. I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts and a bad temper for a while now (going on two years if I'm not mistaken,) lots of big things have happened in that time frame. Started dating a girl I had a huge crush on which felt like a dream over the summer who left me for her ex in October. Got way too serious with her for my first girlfriend, admittedly. Left a toll on me and I've been unsure how I should feel, I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions that always seems to come back to anger. If you can believe it despite this choppy wall of text I'm hoping to become a writer.

Anyway, I met another girl who's recently gone through a breakup of her own and we've been dating since the beginning of November. It's awkward because she's actually good friends with my ex and I feel guilty that she's in the middle of both of us, and she feels like she has to keep our relationship a secret to spare my ex's feelings. It's difficult describing what we have but she makes me far happier than my ex ever did; for instance I was always worried that I wasn't good enough for her and that I would lose her (interesting how that turned out,) whereas my new girlfriend is unbelievably supportive. She's a truly selfless person and I'm sorry to say she's been dealing with suicidal thoughts as well. We both grew up with absentee fathers and abusive replacement figures, although between the two of us she had it far worse. For a brief time I was cutting myself and I stopped after she showed me her own scars.

A while ago I had planned to kill myself on the 20th of this month (the last day before our break) but as we got to know each other I knew I couldn't go through with it. She'd lost three people close to her that way, the most recent having been this spring. If I did, she would have.

I feel I should mention now that I'm thinking of it that I think one of my biggest issues is comparing myself to other people. My suicidal thoughts started out as anxiety about whether I could function on my own (until recently I was pretty sheltered) which would have been the summer before last, which compounded with a self-deprecating attitude I had developed as a result of poor grades in my freshman year. Quite frankly I don't think I'm worth anyone's time. One of my biggest issues (relationship wise) with my first girlfriend was my habit of apologizing and asking if we were OK. I'm surprised we lasted as long as we did. I can't drive and I don't have a job.

So back to my current girlfriend...I don't feel anxious around her, and I don't feel the urge to blow up her phone because I'm nervous about what she's doing. She's essentially in the same boat as my ex, as they're both waitresses (though my current GF works a second job as well) and both have their licenses. I mean, logically speaking I should be even more guilt ridden around her, but that's just something I find odd I guess. I'm not complaining.

My mental state was pretty awful following the breakup of course. I'm an introvert by nature and after that I became even more withdrawn. Typical teenage crap I guess, I have to feign some self awareness to post this on the internet. Musical tastes shifted to metal and the familiar left-leaning punk agenda because it helped calm me down when I was pissed and all my other playlists reminded me of my ex. (I'm a huge 70s-80s nerd, not in the "OMG you should watch Stranger Things" way but I predominantly listened to the Police, Blue Öyster Cult and New Order. No offense if you enjoy Stranger Things of course, I didn't come to a mental health sub to shit on people.) So you know, Dead Kennedys, Hüsker Dü, the Clash, Ramones, Agent Orange, Dicks, even Austrian Death Machine is pretty great for blowing off steam.

I've got this beanie I've worn since I moved here in 10th grade I feel like I should mention as well. It's just gray and black, no pom or anything, and it's basically a security device for me. Like Linus' blanket. Sometimes I wake up at night and panic for a moment because it's not on my head. My point is that it makes me look kind of shady ("like a pot dealer" as my friends have said.) Long story short, add the beanie to my reserved nature and my shitty disposition as of late, and I've had some assumptions made about me. Someone asked me for an edible. My ex accused me of giving her a "death stare." Jesus, this is a long post. I know I'm rambling but it feels good getting it out.

I'm posting this because lately I haven't been able to motivate myself to do or try much of anything. These late hours of the night are the worst for me. I've either been eating because I'm bored, or angry for some reason, or...well, horny. Whenever I try to sit down and write I either can't think of anything good or I can only get a few very painful, deliberate lines down before I get frustrated and give up. My only respite is getting to see my girlfriend or, ironically, showering because my brain seems to turn off in there. I've eaten four Klondike bars today. I don't expect anyone to read these ravings in their entirety, but if you've got any advice...even a fun game or something to keep me occupied, I would really appreciate it.