I’m not the good guy in my own life story. At least that’s not how I feel. I don’t know what I am. I genuinely want to be a good person. I go above and beyond to be a good, fair and moral person and I try to be a leader worth emulating to my peers. I ask about my subordinates and genuinely want to know if they’re alright. And if there is anything I can do to help them. I give my time to others as much as I can. And yet, on the other side of that coin, I’m always guilty. I always feel like I’m letting people down. I love my wife and children but I can’t talk to them because I always feel like a failure. I lie to my wife all the time about stupid things because I don’t want her to worry or get upset or stressed and it usually ends up backfiring. I try to be that knight in shining armor and I keep failing. I love my children and yet I know that they are short changed. I don’t spend nearly enough of my time with them, teaching them about life and the world around them. What is wrong with me? I am generally considered a positive person to my peers. Easy to laugh or make a joke. But I feel angry all the time. ALL THE TIME! I feel sad all the time and guilty. And I’m able to mask it so that no one knows. But it’s gotten to the point that I feel like two people, like I forget about the sadness and put it inside when I’m out but it’s still gnawing away from the inside. I feel charged and motivated to get things done and I can be very aggressive about things that I really want to see happen and so some of the anger channels forth without me meaning to. I’ve never hit anyone and I don’t remember calling anyone names or anything like that, but I’m definitely a lot more aggressive. And then, as soon as I have a moment to myself all of my thoughts and feelings of inadequacy come rushing in and I tell myself how bad I am. Do I want to be a good person to drown these out? Am I a sociopath that only does good things for others to be manipulative? When I think I’m right about something I will bulldoze over anyone that thinks otherwise to get my point across without a second thought and then I feel terrible after but only after I get the desired effect. I don’t truly trust anyone. I tell a lot of different people my problems but never enough that they can get a clear picture. I compartmentalize certain aspects of my life to certain people. don’t even trust myself most of the time. I question every decision that I make. I don’t remember things very well. I lie to myself about things and then I don’t remember what the truth was. I feel broken inside. I want to be loved and admired and at the same time, I want to be left alone because I don’t feel worthy of any of that. I don’t feel deserving of the love of my family. I feel like half a person that isn’t worth being here. I contemplate suicide a lot. Not because I want to kill myself but because I think everyone would be better without me. I don’t want to die. I’m not ready to meet my maker and so I’ll never pull the trigger. I just want my mind to shut up. Am I a bad person? Am I now just the mask that I wear in front of everyone? How can I get this to stop? I have never felt good enough for as long as I remember. My nostalgic moments are thinking of the things I could have done differently to make things better for everyone else. Does anyone out there know how I’m feeling? Like they are just trudging through life day by day torn up on the inside? Like you know that there’s no reason to be unhappy and that you’re making it yourself but you don’t know how to stop and turn it around? If you have read all of this then I applaud you and thank you for your time and consideration. Please, if you’re reading this and you have answers, please help me. I don’t know how I will be judged for this. Bad, attention seeking, over dramatic, normal whatever. Think of me what you will. This is a portion of me because I know there are pieces missing. There are things about myself that just don’t come to the front of my mind immediately or I just can’t put the thoughts to words. I need peace. I need the parts of me to become whole. If you know what I’m going through and have come out on the other side, I ask for a kindness from you and help me see the light. Thank you.