The way I act and the way I feel points to multiple mental health issues. After 22 years of living, I have begun to realise I am really not well. I want help so bad but I need it to come to me, and there's no way of doing that without breaking myself down more. I am scared of the doctors, therapists and rejection. Most of this stems from people not taking me seriously in my youth but also my own fault of making myself a joke and reading into people's reactions.

I have self harmed in the past and taught myself to control these urges. I feel in control of my life but not my mind at all. I hate my brain and feel like it wants me to die. I don't understand anything. I'm sorry I just don't know what to do anymore and need some reassurance or possible options.

Thank you

Tldr: terrified of doctors, know I am mentally unhealthy, need options and help