I’m just trying to get this shit figured out once and for all now. I’m tired of lingering around just kinda posting as it all changes. I will post what I posted in r/OCD here:
*I have never posted anything here before because I just now checked it out. (Stay with me here, I’m not a person to suddenly self-diagnose) (Actually, I think part of my problem may be the opposite but I doubt it) Anyway, I posted this to r/confessions (there is a lot more to it but honestly everything else is pretty much fine but this is annoying) and someone recommended that I check out this sub. Maybe just a quick yes or no and I will be out or here. Here is the post:

I have really bad thoughts. Nothing sexual. (if any, the normal lust and stuff that I probably should avoid as well) It started with some cutting last year bc I was down but that didn’t last long at all. Now I want to cut. I want to see blood. Also music. I pretty sure I have to avoid music. I can’t stop myself from switching to rock music which will block out enough around me including my self-awareness so that I start thinking about killing people. Dunno why. No one in particular but I had to either be with a desert eagle (bc those things are awesome) or a knife for a bloody mess. It used to be other stuff but it has gotten worse. I probably won’t get help. Maybe just kill myself if I get too close to actually hurting someone. That would work. Anyway, I got a lot more problems but I post way too much on here and stuff anyway. This will probably be my last “I’m messed up” post ever. Now, can I get a “you’re fucked up”???

Anyway, a tad bit more. I’m never one to self-diagnose. Like. Never. Ever. Ever. I don’t know why. I just don’t like it? I don’t know but anyway the cutting part started back in September from a lot of anxiety over shit I had no control over and impossible to stop thoughts. Just thinking and thinking and thinking about school, life, etc. Got what I guess you could say depressed? (A flip flop between sadness, anxiety, and nothing at all. Along with little sleep. Also the not eating. My parents noticed and made me eat a bit so I only lost around 15 pounds in a few weeks.) depression and anxiety are not words I use lightly. I don’t think I had anxiety although I was anxious and I don’t think I had depression although I was depressed. I cut but didn’t consider myself self-harming. I don’t know what. I guess I just chalk it up to me dealing with normal stuff the wrong way? Maybe. Anyway. I probably won’t tell anyone anyway because, I just don’t understand it? I don’t understand other people’s depression so I don’t think I have ever had it myself or anything. I will (as stated in the other post) probably not get help unless I’m about to actually hurt someone. Then the only help I get is a gun and a single bullet. That should do the trick. I don’t think it will got that far but you never know. Just a protective measure right?

The problem is that it is more than intrusive. It feels tempting. It something that I want to happen. This has changed from last year. It's fun. It's thrilling to think about. A dark room and some headphones? That is a good time to get into some violent thoughts. Who knows? They could end up turning straight demonic (they were slightly so before but they changed) and that would be past just a problem. They change and I always want it like a man lust after a certain woman. Knowing that though it may never happen, he will fantasize for quite a while. Hey, maybe I will get a new set of thoughts soon! Better or worse... *

Now someone said it wasn’t OCD so now I’m trying to figure it out. The thoughts change. They have only gotten worse. Every now and then they will change. Anxious, depressed, sad, uncaring, suicidal (somewhat), blood and morbid, and now murderous. It kinda just leaves me and returns every now and then. Space between the changes are days or a month although the “normal” state is only a day or two. I might start a journal. Could help figure out a pattern or something. I’m currently just kinda normal. Morbid and I like my shirt color because it’s blood red but not like ‘I want to kill someone’ bad. Anything could help.