Will try to keep this as short as possible, for context I'm a 19F college student.

I feel unable to sustain any relationship with any depth, romantic or platonic. I am so perpetually afraid of being boring, of getting too comfortable and accidentally exposing my 5000 neuroses, of coming off weird, of being underwhelming, of being annoying, of everything, I am so scared of everything.

I try so hard all the time. I try all the time to make new friends but they never stick. It's my fault because I can't be open or vulnerable with other people but if I was open they would hate me. Lately I'm just... losing it a little bit. The other day I just got drunk by myself (I drink alone... more often than is socially acceptable) and cried in my room for three hours. Today I almost started crying just walking down the street so I just went home and had a drink and started crying again. I started skipping meals because I hate eating alone. I feel lonely, constantly. This sounds so dramatic but even when I was a kid I felt like this, I always felt like my friends didn't like me as much as I liked them. It's so hard to keep thinking that trying will pay off when I am so desperately lonely every day. I have no friends I feel close to, that I feel like I could talk about how I feel with.

I don't think I come off as super lonely or unhappy externally. I go to a highly-ranked university, get good grades, and am very involved in various clubs, community service, leadership, work, et cetera. I've had people outright tell me "oh you're so self-assured, I thought you must be older than a sophomore, haha" in casual conversation, not trying to flirt or suck up or anything. In superficial interactions, I'm passable, even a little funny and likable. I used to be really depressed in high school, but I'm not anymore. I never got help for it, basically clawing out by myself, and I think it fucked me up a lot because I think there's a lot of shit I left broken. I feel like I'm constantly in conflict with myself-- "they're bored of you"/"no they're not that's crazy" on repeat all day long. But I don't know what my problem is, if there's anything I can do or if some people just... live like this and don't have real friends.

tl;dr- I can't make friends, I feel like they don't like me so I stop actively keeping up with them. Lately my mood has been really low and I've been crying way too much because of how lonely I always am and how fruitless trying is starting to seem. Don't think I'm really clinically depressed though because it used to be way worse and I'm honestly very functional outside of this. I just desperately want to know what is wrong with me already.