In my early life I had troubles regarding domestic abuse. I saw my mother beaten in front of me until she was bruised and bloody, have been homeless, called worthless, beaten myself, taken by CPS, you name it.

All of this torture at such a young age must've done something to me. I don't feel right. I mainly feel empty, with occasional moments of happiness that fade rather fast. I find myself laughing at some of the sickest things imaginal, and often finding myself daydreaming about things of peoples nightmares. Snapped limbs, entrails, blood, cracked skulls, severed tendons, etc. I can't stop imagining it. I want it to stop, but it is the only thing that fills my head. Blood, guts, gore, repeat. I fantasize about it without even thinking.

Whenever I see someone in pain, for some sick perverse reason I feel pleasure. It doesn't matter if it involves blood, bones crunching, mutilating insects, it all feels good. In videos it doesn't do much to make me feel good, however if it happens in front of me I laugh until I can't breath, and in the back of my mind find it intoxicating. Imagine flowers, once you get a sniff you want more. It's like sexual pleasure in a sick way, getting off to others suffering. My god I feel sick typing that.

On one occurrence I got punched in the face, causing my lip to split open. While I was beating the tar out of the guy, I realized it felt good to hear him yelling in pain. In another confrontation, I strangled a person until they became blue as I couldn't pry my own hands away from his throat. It was like something locked them there, and his face full of fear was so satisfying.

I also saw someone break their leg, and felt that same intoxicating feeling. Oh, and one incident involving glass and a girls hand really made me get that same high again as she started screaming.

On the other side, I know this is wrong. I don't want to kill another person, that is wrong. To see someone in pain is good for me, but I really wish it wasn't. What the hell is wrong with me? I always dreaded going to a therapist as I feel as they will only view me as a freak.