So I have no clue where to begin. I’ll try and keep it short, but it’ll be a long post. Sorry ahead of time.

So I (20 M, from WV, US) have always had my issues from anger management in my early teens to getting really depressed in high school. Ended up pulling the trigger one day after school. The bullet was a dud, thankfully. I keep that bullet as a reminder to never get that far again, but lately it’s been really hard.

I’ve had off and on mood swings with my depression over the last few years, but once I got into college, it got much worse. In between high school and college, I joined the Air Force. It’s been great to me, and it had been paying for school. But as things got worse for me, started not caring about myself or anything. Started failing PT tests, started failing classes; things just went to shit.

But in fall of 2016, I reconnected with a girl who I met a few years before. Back then I had crushed in her, but I knew she was out of my league then and now. So I would just be her friend, drive her to a few places, and just talk to her. We had a lot in common and it was great. I had started developing feelings again, and it felt great to be in that “crushing” phase. Never acted on it.

Then in the spring, after having shit grades in the fall, it got really bad for me. Was planning on going home to kill myself. The night of, I got a text from that girl’s mother telling me she had attempted and was in the hospital getting help. That was a blow to my heart that she didn’t ask for help from me, but it snapped me out of my funk. I called her and wrote to her when she was in the hospital. Once she got out, I would drive a few hours to go see her and hang out with her. By then, I was really liking her. But I was there for her, not me. Helping her helped me. But she told me one day she liked me, and that she wanted to kiss me. I got really happy about that. I had never had my first kiss. Since I also had never been on the receiving end of feelings, I was also not the best at flirting. But it was fun. I was happy. But then I went and visited her, and attempted to be the one to initiate the kiss. It was so awkward. I went from a kiss to a hug and it ruined the whole vibe. A while later, she told me she didn’t want to be with me and that I should leave. It hurt really bad, but I was used to rejection.

The whole summer passed by, and never heard from her. It really hurt me. I was in summer classes to raise my GPA, but I spent the nights drinking myself away and meddling with drugs. Not a fun time. At all. But I was trying to block out my heartbreak, my depression, everything. Kept it well hidden. After school started back up in the fall, I heard from her. She wanted to apologize for pushing me away and that she did it to everyone. Despite my friends telling me not to, i started talking to her. She invited me over to her place to watch some TV and possibly drink. We did drink. We kissed, cuddled, and I stayed the night with her just holding her in my arms. It was soooooo amazing.

But then after I left, I saw her one last time before she ghosted me again. I reached out to her several times. After I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t good enough for her, I started drinking again. A lot more.

Things progressed till I completely failed a semester and nearly got kicked out of school. I have a semester to fix it before I do. But I went home for break, hoping being at home, I’d get better. My family found my alcohol stash, and took it and started giving me tough love. Things just kept going downhill. They threatened to kick me off family plans and kick me out if I didn’t meet their demands. I did, but they still followed through with all their threats. They have control of my bank accounts, and anytime money goes in, they just take it out. They mean well, but it’s just not what I need honestly.

I was so done with everything, I wanted to die. Made the preparations. I said my goodbyes. I reached out to this girl one last time telling her everything that had happened and she basically said “sorry, wish I could help”. I know she wasn’t and isn’t in the place to help me, but I wish she had said more. We both took to Twitter to tell our people we now felt like shit, but she told her people that “if we stopped talking, there’s a reason we don’t.” And that “I’m leaving all the toxic people behind in 2017”.

Yeah I shouldn’t have been creeping on her twitter, but I didn’t understand why she said what she did. It made me so much worse. But somehow the Air Force found out, took me in, and talked to me for hours. Don’t know what will come of it. Hopefully they will help me and not punish me, but being 20 and drinking doesn’t help.

I’ve stopped drinking but the pain is still there. I don’t wanna blame anyone but me for this, and I don’t wanna blame this girl. She was the cause for a lot of my pain yes, but there’s not much to like about me. So I’m not mad at her. And maybe what happened between us or what was said was different from what she experienced, so I don’t want to confront her again about it.

I sit in bed for hours upon hours trying to get to sleep, but either the nightmares keep waking me up, or my thoughts on how I could’ve done something different, and maybe she and I would be together.

I want nothing but the best for her. I hope she never sees this post, but part of me wishes she would so she could see how much pain I’m in.

But I have no one at the moment, pushed most people away or got kicked out. So I’m lost. I know I need professional help, but I don’t have that kind of money. So fun times. I keep making similar posts to different /r s but I just need more advice

TLDR: I’ve always had depression/issues surrounding that, and I’ve attempted several times. Met a girl who had similar problems, helped her through her rough times. Feel for her and she fell for me(or so I thought.) she ghosted me several times, only to ask me back when she needed me. Basically used me (I think) and left me. We were never official, but it still hurt like hell. I had been solving issues with drinking. Got kicked out of family house and kick off family plans, broke af, school grades are in the toilet. Not many friend left. Lost and not knowing what to do.