Hi everyone.

I'm coming to you today with a big realisation and a need for help. I don't know who to turn to. Hopefuly some of you can shed some light on my situation. Please excuse my grammar, as english is not my first language. Jumping right into it, I believe I'm a covert narcissist. On top of that I also believe I'm on the autism spectrum. Particularly, Aspergers.

I started to understand that I'm different and there's something wrong with me after my longest, and most intense relationship ended. I started to question myself, but not some much yet. I knew something was off, but it wasn't until a couple more relationships when I started to see the patterns. They were definitely there, but I remember brushing them off. It wasn't until recent years and two rocky relationships wit h some girls that I started to believe I am the real problem. Because how is this possible, that so many people were wrong telling me I'm cruel and suffering because of me? I was in denial for a long, long time.

At first, I was blaming the girls. The girls who I know loved me sincerely. As I look back, they were always so nice to me, trying their best to keep the relationship going. And I only kept them down. But not constantly. It would be a fucking sine wave, with me being nice and caring and loving for a couple of weeks, just to pour my rage and judgment on them for a couple of days after that. I'm talking silent treatment, not letting them know what was going on, expecting them to know that they did me wrong. Punishing them with the feeling of uncertainty, until they obeyed. I've been manipulating them until THEY felt guilty and let them apologize. Not rarely with tears in their eyes. As soon as I saw my plan is working, I turned into this good guy, assuring them that everything is OK now. And the sine wave continued. Up until I realised it's a foul circle and broke up with them. At that time I was certain that this effect is caused by a difference in characters and we shouldn't be together anymore (which I now realise was basically blaming them for having such personality, thus reassuring myself that breaking up is the good thing to do).

I had no remorse. During the breakups (some of them really awful and... I remember being very emotionally disconnected) I would wish her to just leave my life in this second. All our past wouldn't even cross my mind. The decision was final and I didn't care about anything she was saying.

But it did sting. Each time I presented myself as this not caring cold guy with no remorse. But I did feel awful. Deep down I realised that I'm an asshole, telling this person that loved me there's no place for her in my life. For a couple of days/weeks I felt that pain inside, though I was doing a very good job at convincing myself that my action was correct. I would describe the feeling as someone trying to talk sense to me, but I wouldn't give in. Both these persons were me. It is a rational decision , I would think. Everyone deserves love, and this just wasn't working out. In my mind it truly wasn't. I knew that this couldn't be love, because I wouldn't make the one I love feel sad or cry, or think of her as inferior to me.

But each and everyone of my relationships ended in the same manner.

I remember a lot of gaslighting. I didn't know about the term until about a year ago. But I did a lot of this just to avoid conflict, unnecessary (as I thought back then) talks, that I believed were a manifestation of her 'not getting' the situation. I always secretly felt I was better than them. Each one of my girlfriends were 5-3 years younger than me. They were usually very empathetic, and emotional. I believe I was using the empathethic part to easily know things about her through observation. Then I used this information for manipulation. The emotional part was probably telling me that I could manipulate their emotions easily for my gain. I'm really sorry this sounds like I'm a psychopath but I spent a significant amount of time trying to get to the bottom of things which involved a lot of looking back on myself from a detached point of view. I'm trying to diagnose myself because a psychiatrist and a psychologist failed to do so and I lost faith in these people.

From the outside people usually think I'm a nice guy. But each time I hear that I belittle myself and I think this is honest. It wasn' t always like that, I loved the praise (which I know now was the Narcissistic supply). But after hurting so many people something shattered inside me, and inside I know I am NOT a good person. I went through a breakdown, where I had to quit my job and started taking pills for depression. I spent a good part of a year in seclusion hoping either the meds or the therapy will help. But they didn't. I came back to a new job, and the circle continued, although with me being more aware that something is off and I should thread carefully.

During that time I was in an on and off emotional relationship with a girl. We haven't been together, we haven't done anything physical. Just a very, very strong attachment and a lot of talking. We have some secrets together, which if they surfaced, would probably hurt some people around us. She was the one that put me on that road to self discovery. She broke my trust one time and I just couldn't understand why? Why did I not see it before? I had a complete breakdown. As soon as I woke up I decided it is time I need to figure out what is wrong with me. I didn't know about the covert narcissism yet, only the classic overt one, which I'm definitely not.

I started my research without all these previous realizations in mind, they came later. I focused on my quirkiness. I am a software engineer, working in a very much known corporation. I follow logic and despise religion. I don't keep eye contact with anyone I don't know very good. I don't know how to start a conversation and hate small talk. I love my routines, and I feel very irritated when they are broken. I love to fidget. I bang my fingers on everything, i love balancing stuff, before I use anything I need to throw it up so it does a coulple of circles in the air. And I mean everything. Pack of cigarettes, the lighter, knifes, everything. I need the spin. I love rules. They are a map on what's goid and what's bad. I can copy behaviours, dance moves and learn very quickly. I also tend to zone out, hyperfocus. I am very sensitive to sudden changes in volume, sounds and lights around me. Also cold temperature. I have meltdowns. I feel anxiety, I hate being in places when there's a lot of people and it's tight. I panic and run off.

I just want to understand myself better to be better. Understanding is a way to compassion and I need compassion towards myself. Because I hate myself for being who I am. I built a big wall around me and do not let people in, as I now know they will be hurt. I want to be normal. I feel the need to love and be loved. I feel the need for intimacy. But people around me know I'm different. They laugh at me because I don't get things that are obvious to them. As of now, they just brush it off saying 'Ahh, it' s just who he is'. I want to quit hurting people.

After reading on autism and finding so many things which clicked I started to think about my father, who I believed is even stranger than me. I recognized he's a bad person a long time ago. I see him very rarely and when I do I avoid contact for what he did to my mom and myself (emotional abuse). But the autism didn't fit here. He is a very mean and selfish person. Some time ago I read upon narcissism. I knew what narcissism was, because I know my friends mom who is an overt narcissist. But that also didn't quite fit with my father. But I kept researching and finally I stumbled upon the covert narcissist traits. It was like a bucket of cold water. My anxiety started to build and in this moment I knew. Everything fits perfectly. And the worst part is, I was not seeing that I am just like the person I hate the most.

I always felt like I am an actor in a play, that keeps learning the script as the time goes by, right on the stage. I feel very detached from humanity. But over the years I learned the mechanisms, when to shut up and when to speak. Or what to say. Unfortunately I believe I also learned to be a narcissist. The realisation really fucked me up and I don't trust myself anymore. I am scared to contact people because I might again manipulate them because of my learnt mechanisms. I don't know who I am anymore and I am very scared of the monster inside me. I stopped talking to people, I rarely go out. I do this because I know at some point I will be bad to these people and they don't deserve it. They are better off without me.

Please help me... Please point me to some resources that will help me deal with this. I have my life ahead of me and I don't want to waste it and I don't want to hurt more people.

There's a lot of stuff I found about myself that I wanted to add here which seem to be narcissistic traits, but I don't want to scare people away with a wall of text 2x longer than this. I would be willing to answer any questions honestly. Thank you to everyone that read through all of this.