warning: you'll find that I've done some terrible things to people the more you read, so I don't blame you if you think it's not worth helping me.

32 male, kinda self-employed ( but progress has come to a halt )

I don't know what's become of me over the past several years. I was on the right track in 2010ish. Had my own place and managed my money well. Held down a job for over 2 years which is the only time that's ever happened. Had a good healthy circle of friends. Had optimism for days and regularly tried to convince others to get out of their ruts and back in the saddle. I was also not dependent on others for my happiness, I was okay on my own with my hobbies and passions and interests.

It all changed when I pursued a long distance relationship that went heartbreakingly south when I traveled to meet her. It wasn't a good fit for either of us, but I took it out on myself mostly. I had built it up so much in my head. I know the right thing to do would have been to chalk it up as a learning experience and move on, but I immediately collapsed in on myself in the aftermath and turned to isolation and things like smoking pot to get through the way I felt.. or to avoid how I felt. Not sure which. Maybe both.

I've become needy and sometimes nasty towards people. I regularly contacted the girl I traveled to see and tried to figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong, tried to figure out a way to fix it.. but she didn't want anything to do with me and blocked me because of my over-persistence. Recently I killed a decade-long friendship because the friend started slow-fading out of my life. In a jealous rage, I contacted not only her, but the people I perceived her to be replacing me with and unloaded on them. I contacted her fiance with proof that she's been unfaithful and basically did everything in my power to... not really burn the bridge so much as drop 2000 lbs bombs on it and bulldoze the remains.

I resent people now, even when they aren't responsible for my problems, and they don't deserve the anger and pain I'm inflicting back. It's come from something else, or me being mad at myself.. and just spiraled out of control. I felt like I was seeing red sometimes or just didn't care that I was causing so much damage in my own life and to others.

^ That's screwed up, I know. I really do! And.. it hurts me at the core that I've become this way.. because if you asked anyone who used to know me, I was never a hostile person for most of my life. At the very least, I used to be capable of walking away from situations that didn't serve me without being a destructive child throwing tantrums about it.

For the record, I did seek out medical intervention last year and I've recently come off 6 months of antidepressants/anxiety medication. The side effects were too great to justify taking what they gave me. ( trembling hands and digestive problems )

Let's talk about now: I'm at the point where if I could just get past all this anger, my life could be at least a clean slate. I have a supportive and patient family that has allowed me to live this low-life way for years without kicking me to the curb. My family is the only people I haven't become nasty towards, and in fact I'm trying my best to help financially assist when I have the energy to work. ( home based graphic design )

I just don't know where my optimism went. I quit nurturing my interests and passions because.. maybe I've kinda given up? I don't know why I can't look forward to socializing anymore and I completely dread people. Even when I do go interact with people, it feels like I'm trying to paddle upstream and I get tired. All I want to do is lock my door, turn on some music that understands me, get high, and sleep.

So what do you say, how do I recover from being this guy that I never intended to become? I'm NOT suicidal, but I can't honestly see myself continuing down this road much longer. Something has to change.