My mother was an alcoholic and used me as an outlet for everything wrong in her life which she always said stemmed from me. She ended up killing herself after I finally stood up for myself when she was yet again verbally abusing me. Knowing my mom she killed herself to get back at me, like she always did. I hate her, for what she has done to me but mostly for what she has done to my younger brother, through all this I didn't see my brother cry until the funeral and right then and there I knew I hated her more than I've hated anything else in my life. I hate her for using my brother as her target after I emancipated myself, which I guess is a common trait among abusers. I hate that I didn't know and didn't stop her, so just assumed I was the one she hated so once I removed myself from the situation she would stop. Through all this though I don't know how to reconcile the fact that she was still my mother and there were good times. I use to think that I escaped any lingering effects of the abuse, that she didn't hold any power over me, that I wouldn't let her but now realizing how I interact with other people, how pervasive the nightmares are, the anxiety and OCD I see that she affects a majority of my life and while I wish I came out unscathed I'm realizing I didn't. I'm about to start therapy, which just feels terrifying and uncomfortable. I just wish I could forget her altogether. I'm just having an anxiety attack right now and just needed to throw this out into the world. Thanks guys