Hi, newbie on reddit here! Imma cut to the chase, I feel like I have lost myself, and its between two personalities, one is like a mask and the other one is like more of a mood, I dont like them and im exhausted from fighting whit myself. The mask I put on is a kind, caring and calm. Its the mask I have to wear in my profession and school (and my future profession in health-care). The mask is my idè of what the "society" wants me to be. And I fucking hate it. The other person is an unrealistic mad man, this is the persona I feel comes through on my free time. And its all hate and I wanna, it sounds so ridiculous, punish people who I believe is doing wrong and use my fists to settle arguments. I have never been violent or anything, never been in a fight, but my thoughts and mind is all violent. This persona identifies whit characters like worriors, mercenaries, and the anti-heroes of the comic world. I hate that just as much because im trying to reach an unrealistic goal that is just bizarre.. all I want is to find a balance and find myself. I don't have any mental health diagnoses, but sense I started university my mental state have been unstable.

Does anyone have experience with the same thoughts, or have any tips on how I can start "finding" myself?

Unfortunately I dont have the finance to go to a professional, and the state one has a wait for about 8 months...