Hey, I'm a recently-turned eighteen-year old, male, sorry this is a long post but I am in desperate need of help. About four months ago I took just over a gram of MDMA within the course of five weeks (prior to this I had only taken MDMA four or five times, each only having 120mg-240mg per session). Ever since then I have been dealing with a mass slew of psychological issues and mental disorders (which prior to taking MDMA I have had zero history of - my life was perfect aside from some confidence issues) which over time have slowly trickled away but currently I'm dealing with anxiety. Now this wouldn't be so bad but recently I learned how the mind can associate random things with this anxious feeling and I think it's sort of happened to me but with the act of thinking:

If I'm listening to good music or I'm not focusing on anything specific I'll start to daydream about myself doing something, like a little story, usually something in line with the tone of the music I'm listening to, so if it's action-packed music I'll imagine myself in a fight, stuff like that. However, as of late I've started having intrusive thoughts that have caused me to associate any time I imagine myself in the third person in one of these stories I daydream with the anxiety, although I think it's less that a subconscious association has been made, but rather that I've thought to myself "wouldn't it be bad if I associated these things I think about with anxiety" and because of this, every time I try to imagine one of these stories, I'm reminded of the anxiety, resulting in me getting head tension/pressure every time I try to imagine these things, stopping me from being able to concentrate and preventing me from daydreaming. It feels as if my mind is fighting against me or as if I'm fighting against myself for control over what I think about as I can't naturally think of these stories anymore, I have to force them, resulting in this uncomfortable head tension/pressure. This "association" sometimes spills into other thoughts as well, it's almost like a disease that's slowly corrupting my mind.

How can I stop this?? I don't know how to control my mind and it's so quickly ruining my life. I don't want to kill myself but I CANNOT live like this!!