Hello, fellow redditors,

I'm using a throwaway, because I'd prefer to remain anonymous.

I've been together with my wife for 10 years. We've been married for 3 years. We met at college, both of us are 29 now. I'd like to clarify right at the beginning, that I love her, I cherish our marriage and I want to stay with her all my life. We've been through thick and thin, and I don't want that to change. Anyway ...

I think my wife has a mental problem. It affects me deeply. I feel lonely, and unable to do anything against it. Lately, I feel like it's gotten worse, or maybe I'm being worn down. Let me try to explain ...

2 things may be important from her life, that could affect her mental state:

1. She has been molested by her father when she was a child. Her mother didn't believe her until she caught his dad touching her. Then they (her parents) got in a big fight, and the touching never happened again.

2. She's been having problems with eating. When I met her, she was a little bit on the obese side, but nothing too bad. In the first months of our relationship, she lost like 6-8 kgs (from 60 -> 52kg). She told me she thinks she had anorexia as a child: she went from being fat to not eating for the whole day and starving herself, with the occasional, uncontrollable binge-eating. Her teacher called her mother in once to ask if she's eating properly, because she got so thin. She maintains her weight pretty well these days (she's lean and muscly, not too thin and not obese), but the uncontrollable binge-eating reoccurs from time to time (like monthly, or every two months). She feels very bad after that, when confessing to me. I've never scolded her because of that or anything. We've even worked out a system where only I know where the sweets are, so that I can control when she eats the high-calorie stuff (sweets). It went well for a few months, but then she just grabbed some stuff from the "secret place" when I wasn't at home once and did it again.

Anyway, about her behaviour ... Over this 10 years, I think I've managed to get to know her pretty well. The way I picture her mental state in my head, and actually I've had this mental picture from the beginning of our relationship, is as if there were two separate people inside of her.

• "Cheerful": One is a cheerful, enthusiastic, loving, caring girl with lots of goals, perseverance, and all-around a lovable personality.

• "Dark": The other one is the dark one. Pessimistic, not showing emotions, giving the cold shoulder, irritable (of the smallest things, really), cruel. When you're in her vicinity in these times, you just know something is wrong. She has harmed herself twice in the beginning of our relationship. She has promised me she'd never do it again, and kept her word for several years now.

Normally, she's Cheerful: we talk a lot, we do stuff together, function like a loving couple. And I'm happy. And I can see she's happy too. We love each other. Cheerful is the personality she has most of the time. But whatever is going on, there is an inevitable cycle of the Dark. It comes unannounced, and it's unpredictable. It's not necessarily bound to a bad event, or a stressful period in our lives. There are times when stress or a bad event triggers it, but several times it arrived when everything was all right, or we were actually in an upswing. It's like there is a maximum time limit of Cheerful that must be followed by the Dark.

I'm writing this whole thing because of her Dark part, obviously. When it happens, there is usually a fight. Either I say something that triggers it (I forget something I shouldn't, I answer something in an inappropriate way), or she just caves in, and as I try to uncover what is wrong, she starts laying out stuff that goes from specific to very generic. Like, she brings up things from several days ago, or things she thinks I'm not doing well enough. It sometimes feels like she's making it up as the argument goes. An example is helping with the house chores: we've had several fights over it, and by now I do the majority of it. And she's very grateful for this in her Cheerful state. However, in her Dark state, there is something wrong every time. And it feels like whatever I do, it's never enough. There will always be something she won't like, that irritates her. And this may sound like I'm looking for excuses, but no. I'm really, 100% trying my best, and the Cheerful part in her notices and appreciates that. That's why the Dark can be so devastating: in those times, she doesn't appreciate any effort I made, belittles it, sometimes even makes up things. It really feels like she's desperate to find something she can scold me about. And it's weirding me out because I think the normal thing to do is to state your problem when it happens. Not wait with it until you're in a bad mood.

In her Dark mood, she also hurts me. Not physically, but emotionally. She knows what makes me hurt and oh boy does she lay in me sometimes. There are times I fight back, resulting in an even worse fight. And there are times when I don't, which makes it go away faster, I guess.

When Dark ends and Cheerful begins again, she's really apologetic sometimes. She hugs me, says she's sorry. If I don't accept her apology immediately, that can trigger another Dark again.

I've talked to her about it. About Cheerful and Dark. In both her states. Cheerful doesn't like it when I bring it up: it makes her uneasy, with a danger of triggering Dark. And Dark says that the Dark is her "real" self. She said that multiple times. That Cheerful is just a facade. I don't believe that, however: she's not a good actor, and Cheerful really feels honest. I know when she's lying. Cheerful doesn't lie. It's just when she's in her Dark mood, she thinks that is her one and only reality.

She recently had states that could be described, as we've later learned, as "panic attacks": she couldn't leave the house, because she was afraid. She called me, crying. I rushed home to take care of her, and we've spent the whole week at home. When her panic attack faded, Cheerful emerged and it was a blissful week. She went to see a psychiatrist, who gave her a receipt for pills to take. The pills really did help: her panic attacks haven't returned, and Dark didn't appear for like a month and a half, which is quite long. But then the pills ran out, and she didn't go back to the doctor as she was supposed to. She didn't want to always have to take pills, which is understandable, I guess. But Dark came back, and is reoccurring now again and again. What am I supposed to do? I can't drag her to the doctor. And I've tried bringing it up, but it irritates her (Dark trigger warning).

I'm not even sure in myself anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know that when Dark appears, what I did wrong. And when I don't agree with her, and the argument goes on, I question myself. When her Dark part hits, I feel alone, isolated. Sometimes I wish I would disappear, get far far away until her "episode" ends, and then reappear. But I can't do that. And I can't talk to anyone about this. It wears me down. There were times when I thought this was normal, she's just different than me, but the more it happens, the more unnatural it feels. I've read about mental disorders, and I had a thought she might have the Borderline personality disorder. But I can't be sure. (Btw, her mother was treated for depression like 20 years ago. She was admitted to a mental care facility. She's doing well now. So ... it could run in the family?)

I'm sorry that this post is long. Also, I tried to keep it as structured as I could, but sorry if it isn't. I have no idea about professional psychology, so I'm not sure how to phrase certain things to get them through to you, but I tried my best. If you read it, thank you, I'm really grateful. I would love to hear any advice in my situation: either professional advice, or other people's advice who are in the same situation as me.

Thank you!