I've never done this before, actually my first reddit post ever, but I've lurked a lot. I've lurked here a lot specifically. It's very helpful to know that there are other people out there who struggle to live a normal life.

I'm not exactly looking for advice or sympathy, I just wanted to say that everywhere I go I feel violated. I feel I have no control and no dignity at all. I feel like I live and die at the mercy of other people. I feel helpless. I get very angry sometimes, which my therapist has helped me understand is a form of protection. I get angry when I'm alone. Sometimes I get so angry the muscles in my face tense up and I can't speak or think about anything. I just wait for it to clear up.

I feel abused. I feel I've been cheated, like a lot of the wonderful things I was supposed to have experienced in my life were denied to me, or taken from me. There is no one in my life that treats me that way currently, but I spent the majority of my childhood alone. I suffered a lot of exclusion, bullying, emotional abuse from my family. I came to expect that kind of treatment. I came to believe that I was stupid and ugly, both of which I have so much evidence to the contrary but even though I know it I cannot believe it. Everywhere I go, no matter how old I get or whatever I accomplish I still feel like a child. I feel trapped that way forever. I feel like sooner or later people all around me are going to see what I see, and they're going to realize I'm not supposed to be here, and that could be the end of my life.

I feel that way pretty much constantly, and sometimes it's very hard for me to concentrate on anything else.

I am in therapy, I am on 2 anti-depressants, and I have friends I can talk to when things get bad, so I am not alone or without help. But there are things written here that I cannot tell anyone because I feel ashamed of my own pain. I feel ashamed to tell anyone that I feel so sub-human. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel disgraceful and disgusting. Just thinking about those feelings makes me feel not like a man. It makes me feel like I've been defeated, by the whole world, like I lost decades ago and now I'm just lingering.

I decided to post this here because it is one small way for me to respect myself, and to give myself what I need, and what I think I deserve, which is a voice. These feelings are unfortunately a very big part of who I am, and I don't want to hide from them anymore. I want to own it and accept it, and stop being afraid of letting the world know. So thank you for reading this. Thank you all for being here in the first place. Thank you for trying to help yourself or others.