I haven't figured out what exactly it is yet, but I don't feel like myself and at the same time, I do. And all this is complicated by the fact that I don't really know who this "myself" is yet. I'm constantly imagining myself in situations that are not my immediate reality. Actually "imagining" is the wrong word to use, because I get so engrossed in that "real fantasy" in my head, I basically start LIVING it.

It's like an alternate reality that I have created for myself, that is not physical, but my body and thoughts respond to those situations as though it is. It's not that I COMPLETELY detach myself from the physical reality, but my personality and attitude are those of the "me in that fantasy". And I keep on doubting if that is really me. "Living in my head" is quite a vague term to describe my situation, because I live as the person in my head, but I am capable of responding to physical reality.

I'm well aware what situations have been made in my head and what situations actually exist in the physical world, but I simply can't stop living in that "fantasy". It's more natural for me to live in my fantasy, than to be present in real life. And these fantasies have always felt as the reality for me, but I KNOW that it isn't. And now, my past seems hazy and I'm starting to doubt if few of my memories are ones I have "realized through fantasies" or things that have ACTUALLY happened. My responses, my behaviour, my demeanour, everything; is that of the character I have created in my head that is playing me in my fantasy.

This has caused a lot of self-doubt, self-loathing, suicidal ideation, anxiety, low self-esteem my entire life. I feel like as though I don't deserve to feel the way I feel; whether is happy, sad, angry, confused,whatever. But nowadays, I'm trying not to beat myself up, work on myself, create/discover/define my identity and really just GENUINELY love myself. That's all I have been doing for the past two years. But it is hard to do so sincerely, when you can't trust yourself to be honest/real with yourself.

I'm not sure if this made sense or not, but in summary, all I can say is that I feel "depersonalized"(if that is a word) and my reality doesn't feel real.