I was going to title this post "Do I have mental health issues that're worthy of seeking help?" but for the first time in my life I've admitted to myself that I obviously do. I'm sorry this is a long post but I feel like it's good for me to lay all this out for the first time to someone other than an internal conversation.

Firstly, I've had anxiety all my life, but only just realized that my anxiety and mild panic attacks were what they were through my childhood somewhat recently, I'm not sure how I've never made that connection before. I'm in my early 30's now. So here's a basic timeline...

As a young child I would get anxiety only with long waits and/or not knowing how long a wait will be. I remember the worst being sat in a school assembly, our grade was kept back in the hall coz some of our grade were fucking around. I guess the principle was going to keep us there for 5 mins into recess, however this freaked me out and I was approaching a panic attack. I made an excuse that I has to use the restroom and got out of there, the anxiety disappeared instantly.

As far as I recall only this kind of thing would give me anxiety, and would only happen a handful of times a year. Until one day my father who is type 1 diabetic became hypoglycemic, this happened to him a few times a year, but once it happened when I was old enough to know what was going on, I would get pretty bad anxiety whenever his blood sugar level was low, especially when he was driving. For quite a significant chunk of my life I would worry about him when he didn't come home from work on time or would take him longer to get back home from working out etc. But it wasn't just worry, I know now it was anxiety.

My mom didn't help matters because she was constantly worrying about him too, and she would project that onto me. As I got into my late teens I wasn't around my parents as much, as is what happens when you reach that age, so the anxiety about my Dad subsided.

Next anxiety trigger started when I was about 19. Heart palpitations, not exactly a big deal but not knowing why my heart was skipping beats would give me great anxiety and gave me a panic attack to the point where I would actually had to call my parents to come home one night, I don't even know why I did that but it felt like the thing I needed to do. This was my first panic attack.

When I went to the doctors and got an EKG and was diagnosed with harmless heart palpitations, I haven't worried about it since.

But as the pattern goes, my anxiety moved onto something else, and this was the big one, the one that actually truly affected my life and still does. For a few years in my early 20s, a certain dietary choice was doing a number on my bowels, loose stools and diarrhea became a daily occurrence. Constantly needing to use the restroom, wondering if I could make it, being in situations where I couldn't use the restroom (in the car, on a bus etc) would cause great anxiety. I was only relaxed when I knew a restroom was by me.

It got so bad that I would even get anxious when a roommate would be in the only bathroom taking a shower.

I would try not to leave the house at all, I would only eat once a day thinking that would help, I even changed my position at work to a position where I would be more free to have access to a restroom.

When I finally figured out what was causing the issue, the problems went away, but my anxiety about not being near a restroom didn't. I still have this issue today and is greatly effecting my life. It's the main reason I only leave the house to go to work. I hardly ever leave the house outside of work. Because of this I have no social life, little to no hobbies and interests outside of the home. I used to be into cycling but now I can only do that when I'm feeling very "empty" (and realistically that's only because I know I can dive into a bush if I need to).

Now we're at the present, on top of the agoraphobia, I am also having anxiety issues with my demise. Mainly because I get anxiety about my disabled wife and what'll happen to her if I die. I play over horrible situations in my head of what could happen to her if that happens, like if she ends up in a care home where she's abused. These thoughts have set off short burst panic attacks. Also on the subject of my demise, the worst of my anxiety comes from the idea of an afterlife, specifically hell. The idea of eternal torture being a real thing has given me the worst anxiety and panic attacks of my life, however it's short lived and doesn't effect my life like my other anxiety triggers do. Plus, these kind of helpless thoughts are only in my head late evening or before I fall asleep, but they are strong and terrifying.

That sums my anxiety issues up.

Secondly, alcohol and pot use. I've been drinking since I was 20, and the amount varied greatly over the years. But in the last 5 or so year, it's been pretty much getting drunk 3 times a week. About 18 months ago I started using pot and gave up drinking for about 6 months. It was easy when I could get high instead. But then I discovered drinking and getting high, and then I found out that getting high is a great hangover cure. So right now I'm at about 8 beers 3 times a week and 10 grams of pot a month. I know by some alcoholic / drug abuse standards this isn't that bad, but I feel like it's getting a little excessive. What worries me more than just the actual usage is how I see it. I look forward to using and drinking way more than I should. It has become my main source of enjoyment in my life and I look forward to it like other people would be excited for a concert or a vacation etc. That obviously isn't right and I clearly need help with that. And my substance usage leads me into my last mental health issue....

Lack of certain emotions. I have never really enjoyed listening to music, throughout my life I've only really done it to fit in. I am not creative in an artistic tense at all. I am not fashionable, I do not appreciate design, I HATE dancing with a passion. Throughout my life I always thought I was just a "left brain" kind of guy. And from what I've just said to you, the reader of this post, would say that these are not mental issues and this is just my personality. And I would have agreed with you. But when my mother died in 2005 (I was 19) I felt very little grief and sadness. And honestly I felt worse for my fathers loss way more than my own. To this day I don't have many good things to say about my mother even though I have nothing bad to say. I had a fantastic upbringing. I feel like my brain has shut out the love I had for my mother at some point.... I don't know, but I know it's not right. I hate talking about my mother, because my memories of her are the times she was annoying, the times we would argue (this was very rare) and the times when she was just dumb. The good times, and there was many of them, seems to have drifted away, and as sad as it is to admit, I do not miss my mother.

I have also moved out of the country to be with my wife. Like I do not miss my mother, I feel very little in the way of missing my friends, family and home town. I have become almost completely disconnected with my friends and family and very rarely communicate outside a few facebook comments and messages. This should bother me, I should miss my friends and family, but I just don't.

I feel like my lack of emotion towards my family, to my mothers death, my decision to abandon my home, and my "two left brains" personality is something I should be concerned about, something that should be diagnosed so that I can work on it. Am I thinking into this way to much or is this a concern?

This beings me back to drug use, I feel like I discovered all of this from using pot. When I get high, I feel like how I think normal people should feel. I enjoy music, I see food like other people do, I see beauty in fashion and design, I feel feelings about my friends and family that I think that any ordinary person would feel in the same situation. Using pot has really opened my eyes to feelings that I've only known by being described by other people. And even when I'm sober I feel like I can clearly see something isn't right in those areas now.

Where should I go from here? For mental issues do I start with my primary care physician and go from there? Do they deal with mental health issues? What advice can you give me to start a process to work on these things?

Thank you so much for reading this all the way through.