20F, america

my (ex-)friends told me i'm bipolar and that i need to get help. i was in full denial there was anything wrong but they threatened to tell my family and hospitalize me. i agreed and i made an appointment with a psych.

i was supposed to see him once a week but i showed up unscheduled everyday to talk. at the end of our second or third meeting he asked what i was going to do when i got back (college dorm) and i answered honestly and said im in a good mood but i'll probably feel bad once im alone in my room. he gave me a look and i instantly knew he hated me and thought i'm attention seeking and pathetic. i started thinking about killing myself once i got back because there's nothing wrong with me and everyone dislikes me. he changed the subject and said something else but i didn't pay attention or respond. he asked if im ok and i quietly said yeah. i apologized for wasting his time and he told me i have no reason to apologize. i said sorry again and walked back to my room thinking about how he hates me and i need to kill myself.

i'd go early in the morning and to wait at his office until it opened. i wanted to catch any glimpses of him and be able to talk to him more. he made me feel comfortable and safe and i loved telling him about my issues. i started having sexual fantasies of us together when i was alone. i really liked him. i'd call their suicide/emergency number every night talking about how i wanted to die, etc.

after a week he diagnosed me with borderline personality and he told me all the symptoms and i knew it was accurate. i was also given some meds to help me sleep but i got in an argument with a friend through text and i decided to overdose because they dont care about me. i told my friend its his fault and i hope he's happy with himself.

the hospital didn't want to deal with me and discharged me the morning after my "accidental" overdose. my school counselor told me bpd doesn't exist and that i just have minor depression.

i dont have any friends anymore, they told me im unstable and they can't deal with it. i told them i hate them and theyre cruel and i hope they kill themselves and then i begged them to come back and that i'm sorry and i need them. i've been isolating now, i'm scared of people because i don't want to be a burden. i hate myself and my bpd. i got kicked out of my college and moved. i've never been able to function.

i'm seeing a new psych now. i know she hates me and doesn't want to help. i'm so scared. i feel like i have to force people to do what i want or take me seriously. i want to feel like my issues and my suffering are valid. i thought about slicing up all my limbs and overdosing on tylenol to make her help me. i just burn myself usually. the first thing she said to me during our first appointment is that my bpd is probably mis-diagnosed. i hadn't even said anything.

i'm really trying not to overthink it. will she ever believe me? there's no way to prove i'm not lying, anyone could assume my issues don't actually exist. it's impossible to prove so i feel like my only option is to kill myself. i'm telling the truth but people never believe me. i can't trust anyone to understand or care. none of them care about me. how can i even get help? i only see her twice a week, i can't tell what she's thinking of me behind my back. does she think im pathetic? will she help me? im so scared. i just want to get better. im really scared.

i can't trust my feelings. how do i manage this? i'm terrified of her rejecting me. its really scary. i've been alone for over a month