I have persistent depression and PTSD, primarily due to being sexually abused and raped when I was little, and the subsequent emotional neglect and physical abuse from my parents.

I despise myself. With everything I have. I feel like I'm damaged and broken. I'm completely worthless and unloveable. I am both miserable and completely content with this self-image. I refuse to be convinced otherwise and anytime I start to believe or think differently, it feels like a threat to my system. I get mad and stubborn.

When things are hard, I retreat back into suicidal thoughts. I obsess about my death, even knowing how much pain I would cause. I want to die so badly, and I wish I just would.

I know full well that I'm standing in my own way, but I won't move. I see a wonderful and patient therapist and I am wasting his time. He has tried to much to help me but all I do is fight him. Why am I like this? Why can't I just get over it and move on?