What a year 2o17 was.

For me, it was a bad health year. I was constantly over tired, grumpy and annoyed at every single little thing. I was constantly in pain, every-time I turned to the left. It turns out that my pain could be caused by a trapped nerve in my spine somewhere, but the doctor's have only just refereed me to neurology.

I grew constantly fed up of being in agony. I cried every night. Three years of unknown pain, caused me to go mad. Constantly going back and forwards to Doctors, who tried their best to help, but I don't think, even they, knew what was going on with my silly body. We initially thought it was my foot that was causing me pain, to cause me to waddle like a penguin, because that's where it felt like the pain was coming from. I'd been waiting for a foot scan but we never got it until late November 2017, when we were promised in January 2017.

Daily walks with my dog Sonny was even becoming a bit of a chore. I skipped horse riding lessons, which I loved, and days at my day center, because I felt too embarrassed about waddling around like a penguin or having no voice, or having to say that I needed to look after my dog because no body else bothered to get out of bed. How was I supposed to say that to people?

It didn't help that I was running around aimlessly after able people late at night (half eleven pm to be exact) then getting shouted at for not making them the sand-which or meal they had asked for, when I insisted that it was too late for them, because they were more interested in watching the tv. It was like that Episode of Steptoe and Son, Upstairs Downstairs. xD

Anyhow, in early March, I'd been suffering from a bad chest infection, I couldn't see very well and the pain in my left side grew worse, especially in colder weather. The pain spread down the left side of my body. It felt horrible, like no pain I'd ever felt before. It drove me quite mad.

During March, I completely lost it. I told people I was doing no more for them, because they'd practically laughed in my face when they said they hadn't got out of bed to feed Sonny, (our doggy) or taken him out, since I'd been out since 8am that day.

As you could imagine I was furious. I hadn't come back home till half three pm. My poor Sonny was desperate to go out. After all, he wasn't just my dog, he's everyone's dog. I'd asked for help if someone would come with me, but even my sister said that I didn't need to take him.

I was fuming because no one had taken him out the few days before, and they were all perfectly capable of taking him out. I felt the pressure constantly. I then proceeded to get the blame for being annoyed that I wasn't taking him out, when in reality I was annoyed no one had taken him out, especially when he hadn't been out for a walk two previous days. I hate it when people just put him out the back field. Then they wonder why he put on weight?

I grew angry at people. I lost it completely. Then I got shouted at for being annoyed for caring about Sonny when no one seemed to be taking their shared responsibility. How is that fair? I was also very worried because Sonny was over weight, and I got blamed for not taking him out for walks, when it was actually people over feeding him. Feeding him things he shouldn't have like gammon, sweets. I caught them out one day because they gave me a sweet (JELLY BEAN) to give to Sonny, and even when I'd said no, they chirped in and said one will not harm him, but how many others had he been given behind my back? I couldn't risk being shouted at, so, Irresponsibly, I caved in a gave it to Sonny, much to his delight. (Not chocolate though, he didn't get that.) I was almost ready to throw the Jelly Bean at said person.

Because I was struggling and recovering from a chest infection, I'd been told to rest before and after I'd been at my day center. Only too come in the door, afterwards, asked where I'd been, as if they didn't know, then asked to make a cuppa xD. Of course, I let it slide as I didn't mind, but only to learn that Sonny hadn't been out for a walk....again!

I instantly put his collar on and took him out for a good, long walk, which took almost two hours. Don't get me wrong, I love taking Sonny out, but I grew annoyed when he hadn't been out for walks the previous days, when I'd been told to rest so I could go to my day center the next day, as I'd missed quite a lot with being ill.

As you can imagine I wasn't in a very good mood. I tried so hard to communicate with people that March, but I just got so frustrated and angry that I couldn't speak out loud because my anxiety was all over the place. Plus, worrying about Sonny didn't help. How many times had this happened before without my knowledge? I beg to differ. Several times I couldn't see very well, and tried my hardest to speak, but all I could do was furrow my brows, in deep frustration, shake my head or squint my eyes. I didn't know what to do.

Several times I thought I'd need to take days off work (volunteer) because people couldn't be arsed to get out of bed. Scuse the language.

I grew frustrated. I didn't know where to turn. Blinded by my own fury and pain, I struggled to communicate with people. My voice had gone completely. I panicked a lot. I felt trapped.

I hated it. I hated people watching me struggle. It was a bit embarrassing, not being able to talk, or show how you feel without getting shouted at for stating your values.

I eventually lost the plot and fell out with two family members who didn't take responsibility, because it was just getting too stressful.

But then I just got the blame for not helping them, or shutting them out. Was I right to do this? It had just happened way to many times and I lost it completely.

Maybe I was over reacting, but I'd had several comments about Sonny's weight. I even heard onlookers say out loud, boy he's a bit over weight isn't he? I gave them an innocent look, but I don't think they were very impressed. Neither was I.

It wasn't just about Sonny though. Some things got out of hand and I just lost it. If people had expected me to run around after them late at night, then wonder why they're poorly the next day because they'd eaten late. And for the other to just not be arsed to get out of bed, or moan of a headache when I knew they'd been out partying several nights before hand, then I'm sorry, but people need to take more responsibility. Am I over-reacting? I really don't know.

Sometimes I feel I can't talk to people about my mental state, because I just get shut out or shouted at for being different, for stating my opinion when others should be helping out more.

It didn't make me feel at all good about myself. It come to the point where I would avoid going out. Avoid people. Try to recover my illness by delving into projects on my laptop, but never being able to finish them because my mind was set on my worries.

At the beginning of Early December, I finally got refereed to Neurology, where Doctors thought that my pains could be refereed pain, coming from a nerve that could be trapped somewhere. It's now a waiting game.

I'm slowly starting to relax a little more, now we have help and understand what's happening. My voice is coming back a little, but it's hard to talk to people from a distance. It comes and goes, but I believe it's to more to do with Anxiety.

Through this last year, I've struggled to communicate with people and it has really bring me down. Almost to the point where I gave up. There's been several times where I haven't been able to see very well, because of the sun, and it panics me when I try to say hello and people have thought I was getting annoyed at them, but I just couldn't see or speak. How could I explain this to people? Back then I had no way of communicating, even when I tried to apologies by closing my eyes, they thought I was being awkward. Which probably was true. There's several times I've no idea who the people are and wished I had my new mobile so I could've apologized to them.

Sometimes people think I'm being rude, staring at them, not realizing I have little voice. But then I feel awkward because I haven't been able to say Hello. So all I can do is squint my eyes or shake my head, or look away. For this I apologies.

I even had one person come up to me on a walk, asking if Sonny wasn't responding, only to realize that he wasn't responding because he couldn't hear me. He was kind and apologized. Made me feel guilty that he thought that way. I often get funny looks when I bend down, trying to catch Sonny's attention, especially when people don't know me.

Light at the end of the tunnel:

I now have a new mobile which allows me to say how I feel in a form of text. My voice still hasn't recovered but it's a lot better now since the chest infection I had in March 2017.

It's been a long 2017, but 2018 has been a helpful boost for me in a way.

I had my first horse riding lesson of 2018, which I loved. And had managed to go to my day center where I attend two times a week.

I still can't stop worrying about Sonny, but I know it's not in my power to be responsible for him when i'm not there. People still don't take him out on days when I'm not there, but I try not to let it get to me so much, as it wasn't helping.

2017 has been a bit of an eye opener. And has taught me to stay away from negative people, and not let negative people control your way of thinking. I still get bad days, but I try and control my anger.

My motto for this year is: Never give up, you are stronger than you think, no matter how bad things become. I've beat DiGeorge Syndrome before, I can do it again.

DiGeorge Syndrome is a "rare" condition, was is the most common disability out there but not many people know about it. Which is why it is considered as rare.

I suppose the moral of this story is: Believe in yourself, don't let others actions annoy you. The right people will help you. Hold onto those people, and you'll shine a brilliant smile. There's a light at the end of the tunnel.