I told her about some of the things I’ve written about here. She knew I didn’t eat a lot, but not that it was this bad. I told her how I haven’t had a day were I’ve eaten properly since sometime in 2016, how I eat one meal per day, and how I sometimes get so worried about my teeth and/or stressed out about brushing them that I will eat only one meal every other day. I, of course, also specifically told her about how I got so worried after my last visit to the dentist that I reduced the meal I ate once per day to only a few sandwiches, instead of one proper meal once per day. Oh, and that I had to back to eating once every other day; meaning that I only ate a few sandwiches every other day. I told her that it got so bad earlier this year that I attempted to start going two days without eating, but I gave up because I became dizzy and just felt bad. I informed her that I have gone back to one proper meal every day.

I think this was very unexpected to hear. I think she even told me that she never knew it was this bad. This is also the first time she has told me that she is worried about me.

A few things also happened before I went. As I was about to open the door, I told her how I was bummed out for several days after the last session because of the whole group therapy thing. She then walked back to her chair and told me to sit down. We ended up talking for a few more minutes (I’m thankful she took the time to do this). She explained that when she said what she said during our last session, it wasn’t because she didn’t think I wanted help. She believes I am motivated and that I really want help, but that it’s difficult for me to trust other people. She told me that she’s worried that, if I go back to the OCD team, that I will meet up, feel uncomfortable, and then give up. She advised me instead to try and talk to them about what they say or do that makes me so uncomfortable.

Anyway, I told her how I badly want help, and that I felt so sad during those days because I realized that I will only get more and more depressed as time goes by, because: no matter how bad things gets, I won’t seek help because I cannot see myself participating in a group therapy. And I will not be able to work out things on my own. She told me that I looked really sad (I cried), and eventually went on to explain and tell me about group therapy. The way she put it... I am actually considering it. We also talked more about friends and how the idea of having a girlfriend only gets more and more frightening. Oh and I also told her (after she explained more about group therapy) that, even if I do end up making new friends there, I am moving away next year, and I’ll go back to being alone again regardless of what I do now.

Hm... maybe it was more than just a few minutes?

P.S.

Before I left (for real this time), I asked her if she thinks my teeth are yellow. She told me that I have very white teeth. I told her she only saw me from a distant and probably didn’t get a good look, but she said she didn’t need to get any closer. My teeth are white and, in her opinion, whiter than most people’s teeth - even hers! (I told her her teeth are a lot white than my teeth).

I’m sorry for just typing whatever came to my mind and not thinking about how well written the post is. I just felt like writing whatever came to my mind.

P.S.S.

I am more worried about my teeth than what is normal. This is not the first time I have asked her what she thinks about my teeth. I’ve also asked my dentist a lot.