I haven't been to any kind of medical professional in a while, so while I'm diagnosed with a depressive mood disorder I'm not technically diagnosed with the anxiety that has formed since then. The panic attacks are good enough proof for me though.

Over the years I've slowly learned how to deal with my depression. Anxiety came in around a year ago with panic attacks and I've slowly learned to manage that as well. I quit my dead end job after a breakdown at work to get myself together and try to progress in life.

I'd dropped out of high school due to behavioural problems related to my depression, so I started getting things in line to get my GED and have made it to the point where I passed 2 out of 4 tests. I got on a good sleep schedule, quit smoking, started running again, and even started lifting for the first time in my life.

I felt great for what felt like the first time ever. I've lived my life since 15 being depressed, I don't really know what life without it is like.

Then a few weeks into my transformation I got sick with something and had a high fever, aches, no energy, etc. I felt fucking awful and it went on for 2 weeks where I didn't feel well enough to keep up with classes and exercise.

I'm now at the point where it feels like all of that progress was a dream and I'm tied down again like I never got up.

I'm trying to do what I did the first time and get my sleeping schedule on track first and add on to that, but it takes time and everyone in my life is getting annoyed with my setbacks.

I'm reasonably smart, can function around other people, and don't try to make people focus on my problems, so it's obviously just laziness and not mind-crushing anxiety, leaden depression, and a sucking wound where I assume my happiness and energy used to be.

I feel like a useless burden trying to build a life out of straw only to watch it get blown away. Honestly the everyday struggle to be just functional makes me feel like I shouldn't even try, and being smart enough to know that won't work, it makes me want to kill myself. I hit little milestones like sleeping at night and I feel so good, and people just ask me when I'm going to build the space station. People actually ask me when I'm going to get another job(obviously a better one, because why would you quit the last one if not to get a job where you can move out. On that note), when I'm going to move out, when I'm going to go to college; basically when I'm going to be an actual functional adult. But it feels like I just built a hut and now I'm expected to lead the space race, and I feel like such an asshole for just existing how I am.

So as of now, I have no money, no time, no energy, and no hope to keep up with the honestly reasonable expections of my family and friends. I forgive myself for having a sick brain, but I hate myself for all the inconvenience I'm causing by not being normal. I can't afford treatment either. Of any kind; mental, medical, or dental.

I just want it all to stop. I'm tired, and my coping strategies are starting to feel as empty as everything else. I don't feel like I am made properly to be alive at this point.