I am a female (24) and I am quiet, reserved and usually very calm. In fact most people always get a first impression of me as an innocent "church girl". I am modest and just keep to myself. I seem normal but not these incidences. I drank one night and got very drunk. This happened in public and I was starting to black out so the police were called. The paramedics came first and tried to wheel me away but I hate hospitals so I fought them HARD. I was ripping off the belts trying to unbuckle myself, kicking my way off the stretcher. I began to kick the inside of the ambulance screaming " I am NOT going to your stupid hospital, LET ME GO!!!". The paramedics kept strapping me back in but I just kept screaming and crying. When I realized that we arrived at the hospital, all hell broke loose in me. I began violently screaming and yelling that I am not going to go in. As they wheeled me in forcibly, I started screaming " I DONT WANT TO LIVE, let me go I want to die, let me go!!" ...About 10 nurses began to hold me down and I got worse. I started yelling that everyone likes to hurt me and that they were hurting me and they had to let me go. I mean I was yelling at the top of my lungs and really fighting to break loose. I was asking them why they weren't killing me and that they had to because they were hurting me. I was then sedated and knocked out. I woke up to being restrained, horrible 2 days. This is way out of my character. Imagine the nicest, sweetest girl you know behaving like this. This isn't the first time I had an insane outburst. One time, I was at my boyfriends place where he invited his friends over. My boyfriend and his friends are ALOT older, like old enough to be my parents but that isn't the point. I guess they didn't like the fact I was dating him so they were always a bit mean to me. Anyway, one time I was making food and one of his friends came in and shoved me out his way so he can get to the fridge. I lost it. I shoved him right back and yelled " DONT TOUCH ME!!" I began kicking him and hitting him and scratching the hell out of him. He tried to calm me down but I couldn't stop. I began to smash all the dishes onto the floor breaking and throwing everything in sight while screaming " Don't touch me, don't push me, don't hit me!! You wont do it, you cant, DONT you dare come near me!!" The thing is he was far away from me but I just kept yelling all of this and being destructive. At this point my boyfriend and his other friends ran in but I yelled for all of them to stay away from me. I grabbed all the chairs in the dinning area and every heavy furniture I could gather and surrounded it around me while holding a broken lamp in my hand. I told them that if anyone dared come near me I would smash their face in. I continued to just scream saying nothing while kicking the furniture around me and breaking the lamp into so many pieces. I then ran out of breath and just layed on the floor crying until I calmed down. I was SO EMBARRASED after I calmed down. Its like I became myself again. I just ran out of there and didn't speak to him for a month because I couldn't explain myself, I was super ashamed. I hated myself for that, I hate when these things happen but I have no idea why. I do not want to go to therapy, I just want insights and opinions on why I am like this or why I behave like this. When these moments happen, there is NO WAY of stopping myself, I don't even know what happens, I become a whole new person. It scares me so much that I may cause a lot of damage or hurt myself or someone one day. When it begins I cant stop. Why am I like this?