I'm a student; 17; I start my day early and gay, at the time of six. I eat breakfast, prepare for the academic day ahead and am at school by six fifty. Class doesn't begin until 7:54, and so I take the time to catch up on work, and for the latter half, read. I drift through classes with curiosity, and joy. I don't eat lunch, and so I use that time to get ahead on work. As the final period draws a close, I still find myself relatively energetic (althought not expressed in words; I enjoy solitude). School ends at three, I wait fourty minutes for my mother to arrive (she's my transportation; we live far; I have no car/license because I have no job because I don't have the time for a job as my mom worjs and I have to babysit my two younger siblings). I arrive home at 3:45; satiation in the form of lunch arrives at 3:59/4:00. Iunch ends at 4:30, I use my phone until 5. I shower at 5:10; and finish with hygenine and such by 5:30. It is around this time that I typically begin to take note of my downspiral in mood. I lack the motivation to begin work, procrastinate for an hour or so. Begin work by 6:20, at 7 I go up for a snack; then resume work; at 8 I have dinner/last meal with my sister and brother. Dinner is typically done by 8:25, I do some cleaning. I finish cleaning by 8: 40. Then on my phone once again. Regarding phone activity, I usually watch youtube (stuff like tales of mere existence, clips of the cosmos w/ Sagan, chubbyemu, or coffeebreak). In the background of my mind, I compare myself to others, their accomplishments, my lack there of, their knowledge, my lack there of, their relationships (both platonic and romantic, but more platonic), my lack there of, all aspects of their life as compared to my own. My mom arrives home around nine; I retreat to my room around 9:30, my dad is finished w/ work by five but he goes in and out and isn't generally there which is why I don't mention him. I sleep by 10/11. That is my day; that is my life.

As it stands, I feel I am very much without purpose; and at times feel lonley. At school, my stronger acquaintanceships are with the staff and teachers; I have acquaintanceships with classmates, but the conversations are void; and I am all too aware that I am not a significant figure in their life, and so their is no real connection.

I have these feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness in my mind always, but I don't notice them much at school. I'm working to better myself; I've improved my diet, am working on losing 10 pounds, and try to distance myself from pessimism. In the past (last year), I suffered what I would call a severe prolonged period of depression. I am far better now as I actually care for my person, but the thoughts persist. I don't know what to do; is there an instruction manual on how to be happy?