I remember wishing I didn't exist since the age of 6. It's a feeling I've never been able to shake. Besides my parents messy divorce when I was a kid, I've experienced minimal hardship in my life. For some reason, thinking about the past, in almost any context makes me depressed. It seems over my lifetime my brain has responded by making sure I'm not very good at remembering things. I forget things constantly: names, words, ideas, even entire vacations. I once forgot that I had taken a week long trip to Paris a year after going until my gf reminded me.

I've been very fortunate in life, had a very caring single mother who worked hard to make sure my siblings and I had every opportunity. I've taken advantage of those opportunities. I'm under 30, single, in decent shape, perfect credit, net worth over 500k (from my own work) and no issues when it comes to dating. Through my work I've been able to solve complex problems and save lives.

The reason why this is relevant is because if someone had told me 10 years ago where I would be today, I would have though I'd be the happiest person in the world.

But this feeling of not wanting to exist persists. There's a part of me that wants to forget about everyone and everything and return to non-existence. I like guns for recreation, but I've never allowed myself to own one, because I'm concerned that in a moment of weakness I would not resist the temptation.

My belief in the afterlife and the pain it would cause those around me are the two reasons why I've never attempted to take my own life, and probably never will.

I'm not sure there is any amount of success that could make this feeling go away. Has anyone else experienced this? Any suggestions on what I could do to enjoy this objectively amazing life that feels like a burden?