I'm sorry if this is all over the place, I just feel so helpless and confused.

I'll start out by saying that I completely isolated myself throughout the past couple of years, because I felt that everybody hated me and that I deserved to be alone. Now, whenever anyone tries to get closer to me I push them away because I'm afraid that they'll see what I'm really like, and think that I'm a failure.

I've had some sort of ED for quite a few years. I attempted recovery from my ED about 1 year ago, but now I'm stuck in a binge eating cycle that seems never ending, and it's led me to self harm and feel worthless and disgusting and completely out of control. I feel that I use binge eating as a form of self harm, which is why I cannot stop. It's also led me to OD before, because I felt that it was the only way out. I currently see no future for myself whatsoever and I constantly have suicidal thoughts. I feel like I cannot recognize myself or the people around me anymore.

Regardless of this, I always feel like I'm faking all of my feelings and that I'm making myself worse for an excuse to my failing friendships and relationships and low achievements in every aspect of life. I don't feel that I deserve help because I made myself this way, but I'm tired of making my family upset. I just want honest answers, I want to know if I'm just too pathetic to handle life or if I really have a problem that should be fixed.

I won't be able to write the rest of the issues that I feel I may have, to avoid making this too long, but this is simply the overall situation that I've been in for the past years.