21/F

I don't even know where to begin. I have no idea what is happening to me, and I have a vague idea of why but I have a hard time believing that it is the main cause of why I feel like I can't control myself.

Some background: A little over a month ago I had to go on a trip to Spain with my family. A couple weeks before that my mom has revealed to my dad that she was going to leave him specifically because she wants to play tennis and meet some new guys... it's terrible and my dad is horribly upset. To top it off my brother still lives at home with them and has to deal with all of this sadness and fighting all around him. The trip was torture, I almost flew out after 2 days because it was awful to see my mom being so mean and just laughing at my dad hysterically whenever he did something wrong, like knock a fork on to the ground in a restaurant or etc. My dad was incredibly depressed and moody. It was the worst 10 days of my life. When I got back home, a pattern has emerged where my dad calls me 4-5 times a day and I can't answer because I'm in school and work 2 jobs, but when I do he's either crying or complaining about mom. My mom on the other hand has made it pretty clear that she is just done and wants to do her own thing. She has maybe talked to me once in the past month and a half.

I think this may be why I am acting out (see below) but I keep telling myself that it shouldn't. I live away from home and go to a university. I have a really great internship and love what I study. I have friends and a boyfriend (who has been a saint through all this, bless him).

To put this all into context: I'm usually very happy and positive. I don't give up and I work really hard. Occasionally I get a little upset, but not to the degree of where I am now. As of lately I just kind of snap and totally lose control at any moment. Usually it's when I should just be slightly sad or upset and can get through it by just taking a moment to relax or breathe, but I don't know why this isn't happening.

It will be little things, like I'm with my boyfriend and we are trying to decide on what to do. He feels like he make many decisions so he tries and makes me decide. As of lately I end up snapping and crying and yelling and begging him just to "tell me to do something because I don't have anything and am not an interesting person"

This above statement just isn't true and I have no idea why it flew out of me. Yesterday it was so bad, I totally broke down wailing and screaming because I just have been having these fits of extreme rage and sadness so constantly, I am so tired of them taking over my life. I don't feel like myself anymore. This past week I was trying so hard not to let them take over but yesterday and today I had two really bad "episodes" to the point where my poor boyfriend begged me to leave so he could finish his physics homework. I of course was furious but left. And now sitting down and being clear, I don't blame him because I was just screaming about nothing (we literally just had an hour long argument about coding).

I find myself just getting so mad and this force just taking over. It's like I can't stop it and it consumes everything, and I immediately regret anything I've said or done, and I break down bawling uncontrollably. I am so scared that I am hurting relationships around me because of the way I have been acting and I have no idea how to be myself again. I'm so scared of whatever force has taken me over, it's terrible. I'm miserable and have no idea where to even start to find help. I think there is something seriously wrong but I don't know, I haven't felt like this ever before in my life.

I've given up on things that make me happy. I can't clean my room, I barely do my homework... I'm a filmmaking major and my boyfriend has been trying to cheer me up so he brought me a super 8 camera and film to try filming on, because I never have before, and I keep swinging back and forth between excitement over a movie I could make and screaming about how everything I do is shit, and how I have no ideas and I study "such bullshit" and I have "nothing to do in my life." I often feel such a strong urge to rip the film out of the camera and cut it up. This is how I feel about a lot of things, and lately it has gotten so bad that I threw my laptop on the ground when a DVD wouldn't work and threw my camera on the ground when my boyfriend begged me to leave for a little bit and calm down, since I was screaming at him over nothing while he tried to do his physics homework- what I got set off by that time was my squarespace site not working, he fixed it, and yet I still threw a fit for 2 hours. Whatever this is, it's getting out of hand and so unlike me. I'm terrified.

I'm sorry if this is really general. I promise it's not usual for me and I am just really scared of what is happening. I need help.