Know let me begin by saying I am trying to be as truthful as possible with this. It is difficult for me write all this, in fact I feel quite queezy right now knowing i am about to write all this.

Know understand that i am not one of those people that think mental illness is cool or what not (yes i have met a few people like that).

First i will begin by describing myself and somethings i do. First off i am eighteen in my senior year in high school about to go off to college this fall. I have chosen to go to a college hundreds of miles away in an effort to avoid as many people i know as possible. I do not like being around people, doing things with them, or talking. I do have friends, really i have quite a bit. Really i just don't have many enemies. My friends very seldom invite me to do things with them but find it just fine discussing their plans with myself present. Really the people i enjoying being around the most are not the people i have known sense 1st grade, but just two people i have known for a while but only recently got to known through one of my classes. This spring break three friends and myself are going down to the beach to i guess vacation. One of them has a condo and invited us along. This is the first time all of us has done anything all together sense 8th grade. I should be happy but i think its nothing more than a set up to embarrass me and harass me as they always do when we are all together. one of them is an upcoming womanizer (he has hooked up with probably a dozen girls) and the other is always in a relationship (sense 7th grade never spent more than 3 months without a girlfriend). And they love to tease me about this. I have never had a girlfriend i made the mistake of tell the Womanizer that i liked one girl in 8th grade and has sense taken every possible opportunity to shout this out to everyone while i am around. I should get past it but i can't.

Just a couple days ago one of my friends was snickering and giggling at me in a malicious way. he was mocking me and trying to get my other friends in the class to join in. I wasn't going to have it that day. So i got up and moved after telling him off. Well he got all hurt and tried to act all buddy buddy for the rest of class. people do this all the time mocking me and telling me they weren't. I can always tell by that ridiculously smug grin they all wear. Even those people i enjoy being with the most do it from time to time.

I get paranoid. There is no better way to say it. I know i do. I am always looking at the cars up to four behind me to see if they are following me. If they are I drive erratically and fast to loose them. I never choose food objects in the front or back out of fear of someone poisoning them. I believe someone did poison me with an elaborate plan while i was touring colleges a couple months ago. (Its quite long so i won't out it down). When ever someone calls me to go somewhere I get very anxious and paranoid. For example anytime my dad calls me and go with him to get something i asked for or he wants to show me something i pick up some sharp object and follow him at a distance rounding corners very carefully. I have no reason for this behavior but i do it. My administration at my school is conspiring against me. Last year there something fishy going on out side my English class with my teacher being called out to be spoken to. Admin poking their heads in gazing across the class. I swear i nearly screamed and panicked. I was so anxious i could not sit still or barely think straight. Just thinking about it makes me relive it a bit. The tea machine in the cafeteria is broken and the admin broke it. (i won't get into that very much) or the teacher and student that i have never seen before roaming the halls. It's safe to say that there are far too many coincident's in my life.

Another of my friends i swear is an upcoming serial killer. I have refused to do thinks with him before out of fear of him trying to kill me. When he had a bit of a get together on a Friday the 13th I was in a panic and it took two of my other friends to convince me to come. The thing is is that he never tried anything and never has that i am aware of but i still do not trust him. Another of my friends (or lost friend) is a narcissist. I hate him. I Really don't know how to spot a narcissist but this guy is one, i just know it.

you know those paper swans. I make those. a lot. Its good luck, right? I need luck in life. to keep the bad spirits away and propel myself forward through it all. But everyone thinks it strange i do this. I place a penny face up through door ways i travel through daily. and i never drive my car through those clouds of black birds. I am just now doing this because yesterday got an intense feeling of dismay and turmoil. Even when i just sat in my car waiting for them to move. It was an omen because that day someone have very little trust for reentered my life through being present in someone else's life.

I think i have said it before but i enjoy being alone. People complicate things and are always against me. I rarely have positive feelings. and i do my best to avoid people. I tend to be near panic in a crowd or when i am the center of attention. But sometimes its switched. and how i love it! I smile all the time, i am full of energy, i disrupt class and am so chatty. I just can't help myself. i feel invincible emotionally and and physically. Its great. If i have a presentation i get up and ramble all over the place taking over and making everyone laugh. (i have won numerous presentation competition this way). The thing is is that this always short lived and i can crash very hard afterwards. I love this because i love life when i am like that, but not so much otherwise. I would never kill myself. Its embarrassing and petty in my eyes. but i do feel for the losses of thousand because of it. I just would never do. I could see myself being reckless a having a death wish but never putting a gun to my head.

I have never had a girlfriend. I am a little embarrassed by this. I have a idea of the girl i want to date and love. I am not a very superficial person. I just want to get that out there, but i am very particular about personalities. I would like her to be a bit of a tom boy. Tough and physical, plays sports like basketball, softball, cross country, or soccer. She wouldn't wear skinny jeans or dye her hair that ugly blond so many do. She would like to go out and door all sorts of things outside. It's unfair for me to be so particular about girls while at the same time wanting to be in a relationship so badly.

Personalities are important to me. they should be to every one else too. They are who we are. It is the most valuable thing we have. I am very afraid of people stealing mine. They can do this. Serial killers do it, narcissists do it, therapists do it, and your friends do it (sometimes).

I have never been very much like the other people i am around. I don't conform to what they want. I have only ever followed one TV show, i despise sports (playing them and following them), my music tastes are incredible irregular even bipolar at times i love some metal and then i love some folk or country. i have never gotten into any of the music everyone else listens to.

I have no real plans for my future. I haven't the slightest clue of what i want to study or do. I feel like i will not have a future so i refuse to plan for it.

I know this was long and i thank you if you read it. I know i left somethings out; i have trouble remembering things. The thing is is that there can't be anything wrong with me. Just what are the chances that I am the one who is crazy or insane. Its genetic ins't it? There have been no one in my family with any mental illness other than an emotionally unstable aunt. I always end up saying "I know I am not, but I think I am." I say it on repeat sometimes for up to half an hour or an hour. I am pretty sure i am mentally feeble. Just gonna throw that in there. Just i cant be and i feel like i somehow making all this up. Like all that i do and think is nothing more than my imagination and nothing is really wrong with me. I am incredibly embarrassed by this, you understand. I mean i KNOW i am not, BUT i think i am.

If you have anything to say go ahead. We will probably never meet.

Albert Ball