I just switched over to Music Composition after being a mortuary science major for a year and a half. I played music all through junior high and high school, took theory in High School, was a state recognized drummer my junior year, and I had to force myself to go to school because I really didn't care about anything but music.

However, I lost interest in it my senior year. I just didn't have fun anymore, I was too hard on myself when I played badly, I couldn't accept complements because I felt I didn't deserve them, and I took criticism so hard that I would spiral myself into a terrible depressive state. I have bipolar disorder and the usual depression/anxiety bullshit, and it has been a reoccurring problem since my freshman year of high school. I decided to go to <state university> for sports broadcasting, and got a fair bit of money from them. I enjoyed the school, but didn't like what I was studying, and moved back home to start studying to be a funeral director.

Yeah, huge jump, right? Something about the funeral business felt so right to me, like I needed to be there. My biggest quality, at least that I see in myself, is that I am always trying to make people happy in any way I can. I felt that when people were at their lowest low, I could help them by arranging a beautiful service that would not only make them happy, but also relieved, knowing that their loved one was treasured by many, and will rest peacefully, wherever they end up.

Long story short, I wouldn't have been able to exactly start studying it for another year or two, and as somebody with depression, I couldn't have picked a more goddamn morbid job to reach for.

During all of this time, I didn't play music or study it at all. I listened to it a ton, and I've always wanted to create my own music, but I never made the effort back in the day, knowing that when senior year came around, I was going to give up on music and focus on something else.

So, I've come full circle. I guess the good news is that I'm playing again, in music classes, involved with bands on campus, and am starting to compose my own stuff. However, almost daily I freak myself out about money and buying equipment and having to learn so much that I freeze up. I know I want to be in music, I really really do. But I'm surrounded by people in my classes who are far more advanced than me, and I'm so behind anybody who is a music major at my age, considering I started so late. My girlfriend who is studying music education has been fantastic, helping me with whatever I need, but I'm also jealous of her! She's incredibly talented, she got a full ride to her university, and is a hell of a singer.

I love her, and I respect those people in my classes, but I can't see myself getting to that level without a change of mindset. It doesn't help that I worry about everything under the fucking sun, and have little to no self-confidence.

I know I can do it. But my brain keeps telling me I can't.

I apologize for the sloppy writing. I wanted to get this up because I needed to, if anything else, just rant and type it out so I could see in front of me what I need to work on.

If you have any advice, that would be awesome. Or, just a constructive comment. Seriously, anything would be incredibly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this.