Short of it: I have Bipolar and I am high functioning. I'm never high up but I experience the lows something awful. (CMHT have sent me to "support groups" or projects in the past as a means of helping me, but it's with people who have very, very different mental difficulties and I don't feel I get any form of support from it. Not to mention that everything is during the average working day, so I can seldom attend due to employment).

I had a crashing, out of nowhere suicidal episode in December, maybe down to a new medication that CMHT got me to try - I was fine, left a friend's housewarming party and on the drive home, it just smacked me out of nowhere - I needed to leave and I needed to get off the planet right then and there. Instantaneously deleted myself off of every social media platform and prepped... But didn't make it. A friend noticed.

As a result of this, in the shame hangover after I've managed to fuck everything up. The dear friend I trusted and who saved my life that night suddenly froze me out and my anxiety went through the roof. Like a drowning guy might go for air bubbles underwater, that's how I viewed our communication. I needed whatever I could get, just to make things right again. To go back to the jesting and casual talk of a few weeks prior. I apologised for scaring her so many times - the guilt is still crushing my chest - and I was doubled up with worry about her as I know she gets down in similar ways. At wit's end and absolutely on the floor, I asked a mutual friend after her. Mutual friend makes a point of it and turns it into an argument between the group of friends I game with (I wasn't there), I message her and get a scathing reply about how "we never had this before" in the group (applying to the fact that I finally recently got a console so we could game instead of me just hanging out on voice with everyone, therefore my presence is a problem) and it's because I asked said mutual friend after her. She also accused me of playing games, I'd guess inferring to that bad night - it literally had nothing to do with her aside the fact that she unfortunately happened to intervene.

I messaged back rationally and calmly pointing out that I didn't know what she was talking about, that I had no part of any of that night's discussions other than asking after her two weeks prior and with that she blocked me on FB.

I want to go back and beg myself to find my logical voice and not give in to the little voice telling me to leave. I'm screaming in my head because I've fought this for so long and one night (and the resulting anxiety/shame spiral) has cost me one of the most important things in the world to me.

Why keep fighting if one bad night can in turn wreak this? What's the fucking point?

I've been drowning in shame, anxiety and prevalent suicidal thoughts ever since that night and losing my friend in the process and basically telling me my presence is a problem is the last straw.

I think she's right.

Usually I can fight it off... But with the losing my friend over miscommunication and anxiety (fearing something and then creating it maybe?), it's fully compounded this. I am a problem and I need to be erased. This latter statement has no emotion in it. It's just raw logic.

And to boot, today I had a gentle inquisition with my P-doc and a nurse. Another medication to try (wunderbar) and I was honest about how I was feeling and there was mention of possibly going into hospital if they felt it was necessary. I believe at this time I have the option to do so voluntarily.

Dies anyone know or have experience of the process in the UK? I personally don't feel that such an environment would be positive at all for me and can't see any benefit in it, aside keeping the P-doc's conscience clean but it would be really helpful to know what happens and what the experience might entail.

If you made it this far... Thank you.