So I HOPEFULLY suffer from Suicide-OCD for 5 months now.

So basically this is my situation:

1. I do not consiously think about it, it is like a wave of thoughts which cause knot in the stomach and nervousness.

2. I do not find relief in the thoughts(sometimes the OCD makes it feel like I do, but I do not think it is true because my anxiety raises high up when it happens and if i truly found a relief I would consiously think about it, not trying to avoid it and distract myself, google, reddit, reasurance etc.)

3. I do not feel hopeless. (Sometimes I get intrusive feelings, but they are not true.)

4. When I find someone who has the same symptoms as me and is diagnosed with OCD instantly feel like I am not suicidal, then a few days pass and i start doubting it again and it gets bad again.

5. Sometimes I have intense moments when the thought 'I want it' followed by an urge happen, and my anxiety is so high that I am shaking, I try to fight it and it gets more intense, then I somehow reasurance myself and it passes. If it was true suicidality I would be fantasing about it, etc.

But, however there is something that worries me:

When I tell myself that suicide is a consious desire and I have control over my actions a thought like 'yeah but I want it' comes and causes me severe anxiety and feels like I do which causes more anxiety.

Another feeling which is worrying me is:

1. Feeling like I am lying to myself.

2. Feeling like I just do not realise it is true suicidality yet.

3. Feeling like I don't want to admit it.

Another thing which is worrying me is the Existential OCD(I thought it was existential depression, but then I did some research and figured out it is my OCD again. So for example, I imagine taking my camera going out for a shoot, or starting a new business..etc. I am exited then thought like 'life is pointless' or 'There is no point of doing that' etc. and I get less motivated, but it passes and I am motivated again. But it causes me severe anxiety and triggers the Suicide-OCD and it feels fucking real which scares me A LOT.

Another thing when someone on another forum gave an example of the 'drinking habit' a.k.a addicted to the thoughts. I immediately started feeling like I am feeling the same way, but I DO NOT feel like this way. More like imagination. JESUS IT IS FUCKING CONFUSING.

The most scary thing is: Like a background dark feeling like 'life it is pointless', but not like the depression thing. It is really hard to explain it.

And in the morning, like a weird half-awake feeling with those thoughts and feelings which is scary. Then I wake up and feel HOPEFILLY anxiety for like an hour or 30 mins and then I feel more normal. The thing is I am so confused I can't tell if I experience anxiety.

Another thing, it usually happens in the afternoon 5 to 7PM, which I start to feel like a little darker and the OCD starts to feel real and I start obsessing.

Another thing, when I get irritable I instantly start obsessing about if it is caused by depression or by suicidality which makes me more irritable and feels like I am resisting it which causes more anxiety.

My last panic attack was like:

My OCD was bad, I found reasurance asking a doc, he said that it is OCD, then I got a thought like 'this does not matter, I want it' followed by urge and severe anxiety.

What does it look like?