So, basically my story with HOPEFULLY Harm-OCD began 5 months ago, It was triggered by reading the news about Chester's bennington suicide. I am 20 years old male, with a previous history of OCD(Fear of getting a heroin addict.), but I can't tell if it is the same or worse. It is horrific. Here is what happens. After I read the news, in my head went something like 'If he can do it, then why shouldn't I?' And I started having intrusive suicidal thoughts, I will give an example:

-A friend: Lets go and drink a coffe tomorrow.

-Me: Okay

-My mind: If I don't suicide by then.

So basically at the begining (the first few hours) It was terrifying, but I was unaware what is going to happen after this.

So I got pretty paniced and googled: 'intrusive suicidal thoughts' and major depessive disorder or OCD showed up. I entered both web pages and both said '10 times higher chance of commiting suicide.'

This was the moment when everything fell appart.

This was the moment when I felt this rapid change in my mind.

This was the moment in which I felt like a part of me changed into something horrific.(Okay this was too much movie like sentence, but anyway.)

So basically my life is pretty rough since then I will try to be as accurate as possible, I have days in which I feel relatively normal. So, here are the things happening in my head and body. Some of them are constant, some of them are not.

Intrusive suicidal thoughts which feel real. I really hope they are intrusive, and not true Suicide Ideation. With a confusion If I want them or not. Which is terrifying.

Knot in the stomach.

Whenever I look online for something to buy, there is a feeling like 'There is no point I won't be here soon' and a knot in the stomach.

Feeling like I can't do anything fun, like can't relax I don't know how to describe it.

Less interest in people.

Less apetite.

Sudden feeling of tiredness sometimes.

Nearly constant, uneasiness.

Scary feeling, when I imagine my life without these thoughts, it feels like kind of boring?! I don't know it this is the right word.

Feeling on the edge, feeling like my life is shortened, like I will do something bad soon.

Random feeling of life being pointless without a reason with a variating duration.

Random TERRIFYING Intese feeling like trapped in life.

Random feeling that I need to escape, but there is no place to.

When I am feeling bad, there are constant thoughts, random things I have read on google reddit, with a pictures of the article I was reading.

I stopped working, and now I feel like If I work or feel overwhelmed I will do it.

I stopped University becausw of it, and because I didn't find it interesting.(I made a mistake with chosing my subject.

Intrusive unsettling feeling real scenarious in which my best friend tell me If I want to work with him.(We had a pretty sucessful store.

Feeling like I don't want to admit that I am suicidal?!

Feeling like I don't want to get better?!? I tried finding a reason, but I can't think a reason why, like I stop thinking when I try.

Fear that I developed these thoughts, a few days before Chester's thing, and I try to see my chats to see if there are some signs, but it is impossible to be sure.(This is not a big deal, but I am trying to be as accurate as possible.)

At first I thought this is depression, however I don't show many signs of depression. Then I thought it is Anxiety, but It feels darker and realer than Anxiety.

Weird negative feeling when babies arround.

Random feeling like everything I see is too much?

Fear/Feeling like this is something unknown, incurable and it is impossible to feel like before.

Intense moments when I feel like I am losing control. (I will give you an example of what it looks and feels like.) It happened 2-3 times for the last 5 months.

And the most important and horrific:  Scary intense moment with like a physical urge ######6. As it follows: It is triggered randomly. This is what happens: life feels meaningless with a weird image stuck in the back of my head feeling, like future idk, feeling of unrasiness, unsettled feeling, negative scenarious, I try to calm myself with a positive thoughts, I succeed for like a second, then it feels like the negative thoughts, reinforce themselfs and become more and more intense, then I am like 'If i feel like i will do something i will go to the hospital, chill., then like 'it doesn't matter you feel trapped' and it becomes even more intense and more intense uneasiness feeling, i close my eyes laying in my bed, almost starting to feel normal for a couple of seconds, then i open my eyes and everything in my head is intense again, i try again to counter them, it becomes even more intense.

Also, when I am feeling fine, I do not feel completely fine, the background feeling is still there, I just somehow convince myself that it is OCD, and I feel happy about it. Of course, the doubt if it is OCD is still there and I still obsess I catch myself sometimes and stop, but still i destroy my reasurance and It starts to feel bad again. Another thing is my mood is not normal, it is close to my normal self, but not completely, as I mentioned and I have days in which it hits and my mood is low, then I start obsessing if it is depression and it makes it worse, when it happens a feeling like i fought with the bg feeling appear and like now I am exausted and it hits and make me more anxious. I even asked my friends if i speak too fast or change topics too fast or look overly happy etc. Multiple times to see what they will tell me.(they said no.)