It’s hard for me, personally to be able to feel like speaking when even my breath has not been present to me. Absent in feeling, between my ears, in my sinuses, or when speaking is made to feel foreign to me or absent by persons I’d had trust and appreciation for.

Life is not a game. Existence, mine OR anyone’s, is not a right, it is a privilege, and I feel that because people know how to hurt me, emotionally, physically that I don’t deserve to be helped or be allowed help, despite the large number of times and ways I’ve tried to get help fro or with myself get back to being myself, being able to help myself, or being able to help others.

I have been able to tell that I have been kept from myself, in name, in sound, usually, audibly, cognitively. Why this continues to be a persistent, persistently ignored, belittled, and dismissed issue, I shouldn’t need to know or care about. I am and have been hurting from this for a long while.

I’ve wanted to petition for doctor assisted suicide, since I have not been able to receive medical treatment which addresses the technical obstructions of and from myself. I’ve wanted to cut myself, but haven’t because I know how truly unhelpful it is. Even though I am unable to see or hear them, other persons have physically and sexually violated me, gone well out of their way to hurt or abuse me, or pretend like they don’t understand what they are or have done or has been doing to me that is not and has not been okay with me (or likely anyone. At all. ).

Instead.

Nothing that I have done, structured or less structured has been helpful or has been made and kept intentionally unhelpful, and not only kept so, but while kept in visual and audible absence of self in and of perception within or around me in or with respect, recognition or healthy behaviors.

I can tell, somewhat physically, though not audibly nor visually to or toward me, though still about me, that I am physically near AT LEAST one of two persons whom genuinely care about my safety and well being as I did and have for them, but someone has not only continues to keep my breath from me, my voice from me, my sight from me, but gone out of their way with their friends to make sure I will have as little presence of self or myself, in interaction, in conversation, in writing, in visual presence of self, in ability to get and help doctors provide care and medical attention for this other life or whatever it is that I’m stuck in audible and visual lockout of self with and of.

I know that this person who helps me care for myself even when I cannot see me or my surroundings has had someone clearly keeping any indicative syntax in conversation from my own hearing and persons whom I’d cared about once (won’t make that mistake again) have repeatedly gone out of their way to hurt me. Repeatedly choosing the worst behaviors instead of anything helpful. Repeatedly causing me pain, abusing me physically, emotionally, sexually.

Tactility and occasional separation in physical sensory awareness though while blind and deaf to self and surroundings indicating that I do have an existence to return to, be in, or be able to both be and remain safe in, with and near.

When I had tried to go to the hospital,doctors office, or even ask a friend to ask for or help me get help for myself, indicating that either of us would like to make sure these unwanted obstructions from self-perception can and will be removed, they did what they’ve been doing for some stupid-long while. Calling me by his name. Making me live as though I am him. As though we ever want to share sexual intimacy. I don’t believe either of us like sex with males. And this is legitimately some of the worst and most painful, and not just physically wastes of time which I have been forced into experiencing. Repeatedly.

I can tell that persons have known that I am not and have not been alright with this, ever. And it’s very, very uncomfortable to be repeatedly coerced, disguised, or ignored and hurt irregardless of the fact that this kind of pain, caused by friends, no less, will not be healed as quickly as it could be beginning to be fixed.

So far, as before, as today, yesterday, and probably tomorrow, and next week, month, or even the less than 5 minutes from now that it could have taken to address the fact that my friends and family have known and have chosen to do nothing truly helpful about it except for one part of one persons life, which had already been intentionally hurt from when he’d tried to help me in the past, and was not only kept from doing so, but by my limited perception and unwanted absence from self and history.

I’ve decided to neither eat nor drink nor smoke anywhere else my body might be or is, even if just a cybernetically present or redundantly so, clone-thing.
I’m aware of options that could explain this, though neither cognitively nor visually nor audibly so.

This is legitimately the worst thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I want my cunt back. I want mu friends whom are family present for me.

Not even writing my name out on paper has been the slightest bit helpful, visually present to me, audibly present to me, nor have I been able to get help getting TO a medical facility for treatment, removal of these obstructions to and from self or of and near the abusive persons whom keep deciding to hurt me, irregardless of my requests for them to not do things like that to me or anyone else.

When I have, protocols and medical analysis have not been practiced appropriately, nor have I been listened to when speaking, or writing, and most often, am manipulated by some serial-killer like thing pretending to have neither any responsibility for their own actions nor a need for respect for me, my life, my name, their own existence, or anything real.

I don’t want o have to give up, I don’t want to have to feel like physically hurting myself is the only option I have not tried or that ending my own life is something I’d want to do.

I just want my life back. Who or what kind of soul caused this should not ever be allowed near anyone in any part of life, mine or any one else’s.