...somewhere along the lines of my life, I got the idea that if you pressure someone ( because I'm so nice and cute and innocent ), that they would "love" ( of course, they are my own feelings ) you back, that it's their obligation. I've been lying to myself. I feel ashamed. If I could go back and meet myself, I'd punch myself in the face and say "what the fuck are you thinking!?"...still doing it aren't I? It's an ongoing process. I can only hope that I can have honest relationships, and try to avoid this trap of entitlement and narcissism ( yeah, I like to call it that to make myself feel better ). I'm still clawing at the wall. I could just be "waking up"...or I'm actually having these realizations.

Disclaimer..I suppose (maybe my ego) I'm not sure what I was thinking back then. I can't be sure if it was because I wanted to show off, or if I was playing an elaborate game. I think deep down I may have been unconscious of my motivations. In fact, I think a part of me was aware, and I could've taken that. I'm not incapable of empathy and I don't have autism. I was ignoring that sixth sense instead of listening to it.