I know there's a bunch of actual therapists hanging out in here so maybe you can give me some reading material.

TL, DR: Due to childhood abuse which I will not get into here much, my main mode of "fueling" myself seems to be verbal conflict; meaning that expressing anger, frustration, impatience and all that pent-up energy towards someone else is what makes me feel sane when things accumulate. Pressure builds up and I just need to get it out explosively, and verbally, either in writing or in person; but there has to be an impact on someone else. (I do realize this is probably a form of sadism, but do sadists feel remorse!? Because I do, eventually.)

Writing letters and burning them unread doesn't really work, neither does journaling. Screaming at myself doesn't work. Exhausting myself physically? Just makes me more frustrated because I didn't get the release I was "looking for". Does this make any sense?

It's like an addiction. I am addicted to flinging sh*t at people! (If your reaction is to say "well just stop it, duh": quit reading, go try to help someone else, you can't help me.)

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This is my throwaway profile to indulge in verbal uh, "sparring", but the issue is I realize now I have to get away from this 100% to become a healthier person overall. I'm far enough along this process to really see how incredibly destructive this is, even as it gives me tremendous amounts of energy. I've never done hard drugs but I figure it's gotta be close to how coke feels after seeing folk in movies... after a fight I have enough energy to clean the entire house for two days straight, get 150 things done all one after the other and don't really think of taking any breaks.

I am married and have worked extremely hard to quit the relationship-destroying fighting behavior. Yes I have been abusive in the past, but have moved past this. The last 2 years or so, we get into actual fights (only verbal) less than once every 2-3 months.

Note that I'm working hard to eliminate that entirely because seeing what this has done to my marriage is completely heartbreaking and just makes me want to kill myself. So. Instead of trying to die, I'm going to try to do better. Enough with that!

The reduced fighting frequency is incredible for me because I grew up fighting with both my parents 4, 5 times a week... all-out yelling, screaming at the top of our lungs (which they did to each other before separating), they were also physically abusive towards each other but one parent shielded me from the physical aspects from the other at least. The neighbors in every direction knew exactly how bad it was.

This continued long after I moved out with a single parent who continued the verbal abusive behavior with me for 10 more years, until I was a young adult and the behavior was well-entrenched. However... funny thing is, that parent also made me completely hate any physical violence due to their disgust over what happened to them, so we never touched each other, just hated each other's guts through words.

To have no fights for 2-3 months on average with my spouse, not even a bad word... is huge for me. It'll continue getting better if I can get a handle on this portion of the problem.

The result though is I am listless; anxious, angry, impatient. I have PMDD and at that time of the month it becomes almost impossible to hold in. I hate everything about how I feel because I don't really feel anything unless I break something (verbally) but the results always suck.

I figure I'm repressing all of this energy, I don't know how to create a new outlet that serves the same purpose as fighting. Like I said above... nothing I do by myself seems to work, I need the interaction.

Someone suggested martial arts to me once, or self-defense classes. I don't know if I can bring myself to those because I'm really worried I'm just going to end up physically sadistic as well and I do not want to discover if that monster exists within me (it's not a possibility I'm ready to face.) I am also not looking forward to being a "beginner" at the mercy of anyone more experienced.

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Any help here?

Is there some kind of therapy that deals with this kind of stuff specifically? I am not interested in a generalist or just plain CBT, I want something focused.