Hello Reddit. I don't post here much and right now I am in a very dark place. I am a 35 year old man right at the end of a divorce of a 7 year marriage(15 year relationship). I attempted suicide twice, once late in 2016 and once again in early 2017.

I dont really know why im posting this. I guess I feel I have no one to turn to at the moment. The last time I opened up to my sister about these feelings resurfacing the whole family was called in for a pseudo-intervention and I hated it. I appreciated that they all care for me, but it has since shut me off to going to family for support.

I am a father to a wonderfully smart, headstrong and adorable nearly 3 year old daughter. My soon to be ex holds a very damning card in her hand with regards to my recent suicide attempts. If she chooses to play this card at our hearing I am certain custody of my daughter would be completely stripped away from me. Just typing it "aloud" makes me weep and gets my mind working as to how I can end it all.

Of course, these feelings, while being a father, fills me with guilt. Guilt leads to negative self talk which feeds the suicidal ideations which generates more guilt...

I'm on medications and I try my best to keep up with them but I constantly feel overwhelmed. I have to keep up with 2 antidepressants, a weekly patch, blood pressure pill, diabetes pill, gout pill, vitamins and so on. I often go off the rails and quit taking everything appearantly just to spite myself. I lie to my therapist and psyc doc about my meds and my suicidal thoughts. I promised myself I would NEVER return to the psych ward (2 terrible terrible experiences).

I guess it feels cathartic to get these feelings out there. I live in the US (Michigan) if that makes any sort of difference. So thanks for listening to me ramble on... I dont know why im here...