Hey everyone. Long time lurker. I'm diagnosed with BPD and PTSD. I was raised in a broken home, absent dad, struggling mom. I was sexually abused at 12. Until that day, I was comfortable with being a girl. After that day it felt wrong and dirty. I was always kind of a tomboy, my mom wasn't exactly an expert on these stuff but after that day I lost contact with my femininity.

With my efforts I am able to put on make-up, sometimes a dress. But other than that nothing. Being female feels unsafe. I constantly feel the eyes on me, I feel uncomfortable thinking about all the men who want to rape me(!). I feel defenseless and ashamed. Sometimes I don't even speak because I think people are gonna go "you should shut up now" because I'm a woman. Long story short it affects me mentally and sometimes physically. in summers I can't wear shorts or skirts, or stuff like tight jeans. I also feel physically uncomfortable with men around, I feel like every one of them is going to harm me.

Does anyone have tips to deal with this? Books to read? I'm interested in every shred of experience or recommendation you might have. Thank you.