i can't trust my friends and family's judgement since they're thinking for me and it is biased, i need to get some outsiders' opinions. i hope you'll be able to give me your honest opinion on my dilemma. this is going to be really long, i apologize, my thoughts are extremely scattered atm. my ex-boyfriend was and is very suicidal. we knew each other before, we played in the same band but didn't know a lot ab each other. we only started becoming close friends when he left to canada to study. he was gonna kill himself in canada, and back then, i managed to convince him to wait until he comes back and i'll try and help him. we started dating when he came back, i thought i was in love and i could help him somehow but as time passes, i fell out of love with him and was just emotionally drained in general. i still care about him, so we kept talking after we broke up, maybe that wasn't a good idea since he is in love with me and i'm giving him some kind of hope. i just wanted to be friends with him, but he kept saying we can't be friends, so eventually i just gave up and we got back tgt again (i asked him out), i thought i could just try to love him since he's a nice person deep down and we get along (i thought it might made him happier, have something to look forward to, i don't know..), he has said many times that if it wasn't for me he would have killed himself. he said he has nothing to lose anyways so he accepted my offer. that didn't work out, i broke it off with him again a few months in when he went back to canada (part of it was because i can't do long distance relationship too). and again we still maintained contact because i don't want him to kill himself, and he's got no one other than me, literally. he loves his mom but because they're so different, they always fight about everything. he doesn't talk to his dad and brother. his best friend blocked him, he doesn't maintain contact with any of his former high school friends, and he says he doesn't trust anyone (but me) nor rly consider anyone his friend. he had stopped going to university completely and just stay at home without talking to anyone but me online. we had mutual friends but when i see them and asked if they still talk to him, they said no, because he was too negative, they all said they're living a happier life without contacting him, which i find horrible at the time and felt very angry... but, i turned out to be the same. these few days we've been constantly having small arguments, he says he can't trust me anymore and he feels like i'm toying him, he says i'm distancing myself (which i guess i was since i don't want him to like me or for him to get the wrong idea while still keeping contact with him), he told me i don't understand the fact that he wants to kill himself everyday. i felt so awful, i didn't know what to do. i told him he really need to get professional help, therapists payed thousands of dollars to study years in schools just to be able to work with people and i'm happy to help him with the process, but he refuses to, he says the only person he wants to talk to is me and he can't trust a stranger. he says he feels like i betrayed and abandoned him since i've said all those things while we were dating like i'll be there for him and now i can't keep my promises. which he is right. i shouldn't have said those things so lightly. i know that's extremely selfish of me but i have no romantic feelings for him anymore. after those arguments, we spent a few days thinking and i've come to think that i definitely do not want him to kill himself, and he haven't got anyone else but me, so i texted him and told him what i thought, he said he can't live without me, so we agreed to keep contact, and i said i'll try to stop distancing myself, and be as natural and "normal" as possible. it was alright for a few days, but then yesterday i followed a guy i used to like on instagram which is also a person that he despises, and he talked to me about him before. it pissed him off that i disregard all the bad things about he had told me about the guy i used to like that at the time i acknowledged and listened to him, but now i prove to him that i lied to him since i still want to follow the other guy. that sets me off too and i had a rage saying that i'm sick of him analyzing every single thing i do, i'm sick of him stalking me on every social media (he admitted that he does that), that i can do whatever i want, and it's none of his business, in anger i just said i don't want to contact him anymore because i'm spent and i have no feelings for him anymore and nothing matters. after fighting for a while and everything sort of were settling down i was telling him i'm a rotten person deep down and just because he thinks i'm better than the rest i'm really not, and i suggest him blaming me for making everything worse than it should've been (because i truly believe so, i deeply regret what i've done to him, and my mindset that what i was doing was the best was fucked up), only to leave him in the end like everyone else, he says he knows all of those bad things ab me and he still think i'm less rotten than them, then he finally says alright, thank you for giving me the feeling of hope, etc. and blocked me right away. it's been a day from that now and even though i don't love him anymore, i can't stop thinking about if what i did was the right thing or not, what if he kills himself and i was the one capable of stopping it but i'm just too selfish to just try conversing with him for a while until he can come back home. right now i still can't believe i actually said that, i've always thought about stop contacting him one day but never thought that i would actually do it. i left him when he needs me the most... but at the same time i have no feelings for him anymore. i was thinking of going to his house (his parent's house here, not in canada) and actually telling his mom about his condition, maybe she'll listen, he wouldn't want me doing that, but even if i don't talk to him anymore i don't want him to die and maybe she could do something about it. anyways that's besides the point. i'm sorry that this is extremely long, my thoughts are all over the place. do you think what i did was wrong? please tell me if it really is, i really, really need to know, because this will be the biggest mistake i'll ever make if what i did is truly not the brightest, i know i am extremely selfish but i could've tried harder... personally, i can't trust my own judgement but this heavy, heavy guilt i'm feeling must say something. thank you for taking out the time to read this. have a great day.