I'm gay and I've only recently been feeling very envious of others' relationships because I'm 27 and never had a relationship in my life, even though I've always wanted one since I was about 12. I got to a point where I can't go out anymore, because every couple I see turn me into pieces, especially gay couples. I feel very miserable and sad, I even feel a physical pain in my heart. I can't bear this loneliness pain any more. All I just wanted in life was a boyfriend and never got it. I was thinking that I might have NPD but I also have very low self-esteem, I often think I'm less than others, feel very angry when I see people looking down upon or badmouthing people, which are all opposite symptoms of what a pwNPD would supposedly feel. I've never got friends either, I'm currently unemployed and have no degree mainly because of my fear of interacting with people, and I think about suicide every single day. Which disorder do I have and how to overcome it, although I often think it's too late?