So I'm a guy with an eating disorder and muscle dysmorphia. I have been struggling with this for close to 10 yrs. It started out as a desire to get in shape during my senior year in college and I recognized that I was severely overweight and I needed to do something about it. I hit the gym and I was using fat burners (Hydroxycut) I went from 220lbs to 130lbs in the span of a few months, which I now know was dangerous. During that time I would spend at least 1.5 hours a day at the gym, i cut back to drinking only water, no sugary foods, no fats, only organics, and etc. It was working. However, I had a lot of anxiety about it and I was constantly body checking and worrying about how I looked. I would monitor my food intake and if I over ate just a bit or had some time of drink that was high in calories, I was completely overwhelmed with guilt and racked with anxiety. I would go to the gym and lift more, increase me "eating right". I would get so frustrated with how I looked, I started punching myself in the face over and over. I was finally at a place where I was able to manage my weight. However, I became pretty worried about how it all looked. Sure, I was very muscular, but was I bulky like the guys in those magazines? I started lifting heavier weights and experimented with steroids. At one point I used for about a year ( I no longer do thank god). Before you know it, I was muscular, bulky, and I was 190lbs of pure muscle. Despite having the body I've always wanted, I was so unhappy. I was still focusing on my weight, body checking, monitoring my caloric intake, and going to the gym obsessively. Trust me, if there was and is a way for me to get to the gym, I'd get there. I knew that I likely had an eating disorder and have muscle dysmorphia. I did get help and was in therapy for a year and Im on medications that makes it manageable. I feel better and less anxious. I'm happier. I still have rough days and times, but I get through it. What I want to say is that as hard as it has been to live with mental illness, no matter how hard we struggle, we have to keep in mind that we will have better days and things will improve. We just need to be patient with ourselves, lean on our supports, and keep our chins up. How else can we look toward the light?