I am tired of ruining it all, I am tired of bringing problems to other people's lives, I am tired of having to understand what the actual fuck is wrong with me. My boyfriend is tired of having problems and I truly comprehend that but I feel like I have no control over my reactions to anything. I ruin everything, people are better off without me... my mother, my sister, my boyfriend are troubled because of me and it's way too tiring, I can't process it, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I am scared for my relationship, I love my boyfriend, please please please I don't want him to leave me because of this disgusting illness that haunts me.

I have no life, I have no identity, I have nothing, I want to be okay... even though there are days when I feel like I don't want to be okay. Depression and whatever disorder I have are ruining my life, I keep thinking about suicide, I don't want to do it but people would be better off without me. I feel so misunderstood and alone, I want to have my life back. My sister told me that I had a sudden change in my personality and I don't know what happened to me, I don't know what I'm doing wrong... I'm trying to express myself and get over the fear and hatred that I've gone through as a gay guy surrounded by homophobic people years ago and I'm told that I'm histrionic.

I don't want to be left behind by my loved ones, I don't want to be fake, I am scared.

Help me, help me, help me please.