I get so, so, SO unbelievably lost in my thoughts and feelings.

I get triggered in to so much anger and fucked up hopeless stuff and don't know how to express it, and can't stand the things people say to me about "it" because I've been attacking "it", or rather "them" for so long and have tried, or been doing, everything a person could suggest for so long, but to no avail.

The one thing that is kinda helping is 12 step work. The people I know through that program offer me some of the best examples of how it's possible to go from a broken person who wants to die, to a person who has learned to thrive in spite of their brokenness.

Just lost the desire to post....thinking ahead to how embarrassed I will be to read any responses.

Spent the last couple days obsessing about a particular coworker who likes to belittle me in small ways, who's ham fisted "jokes" and general narrow minded view of the world tends to cast me in a negative light, and who seems to think they are "better" than I am. This person is actually a good person overall, and definitely not "the worst" when it comes to bullying, but they've triggered "my crap", which isn't hard to do, and so now they are taking their turn on the obsessive merry go round in my mind.

It's so annoying how my mind works. It just laser focuses in on person, or fact of life, or something that hurts no matter what it is, and just repeats it ad nauseum for days and days, and guts me, doesn't let me go, no matter what I share, or type, or do (CBT, DBT, PRAYER). It then intersperses nearly every gap in thought with obsessions over other regrets, other pain.

I'm so unbelievably angry, fed up, ready to just flip the fuck out and disappear in to a void. But I can't, because I'm trying to get somewhere, so I have to put up with the indignities, and blah blah blah soldier on, inspiring bullshit, blah blah blah, everything is so annoying, jsut barely hanging on, fuck this world, poor me.