Hi guys, I dunno if this is the right place but I don't know where the hell to express myself and I need to know if anyone relates.

I'm an ex anorexic, my anorexia was mild for about 2.5 years (but with prior history over 7 years) compared to a lot of people and I overcame it myself. I was bullied as a kid for being chubby and wanted to be thin, get rid of my thighs and love handles for so long. I did that. In a messed up way. I realised I was harming myself and worked through a series of issues... I'm now about 8 pounds into my recommended weight range. So still on the low end but ok.

Now I've noticed its basically undesirable to be thin, to be slim. It's not enough. NO. It has to be the right kind of thin. It has to be Kardashian thin - a tiny stick waist, long arms and legs but then huge flaring glutes and hips and a protruding muscular butt like a bustle.

On a side note, and this event is what made me realise I have an issue. The other month I was dating a guy I met on tinder and we were getting to know each other and start dating, when he completely ghosted on me. I noticed there was a new girl on his Instagram and it was apparent they were at least meeting each other and intimate. I saw photos of her. She IS that body type. Goes to the gym for 1 hour everyday and she lifts huge heavy weights, muscular back, betty boop waist but heavily muscular butt.

My heart sank. I've been noticing this a lot, and even on reddit. I feel like I am just wrong. Not as attractive as I could be or as these girls. I'm feeling like this guy didn't really fancy me and if I looked like the other chick maybe him and other guys would. I hide these feelings through a veil of normality and happiness over my body. I feel unfeminine.

There are loads of articles online, that keep popping up even on here saying how a woman should be strong and have curves. I just don't have either.

Now i worry about being too thin, but also how I can be slim and muscular/curvy. Its yet another battle I can't win. I don't even have enough time in the day to devote to weightlifting etc.

I just don't want my body. I'm so ugly. All this 'healthy strong woman' stuff is not as positive as many people think it is. And embracing curves has just become another way to shun women who don't fit the new mould.

Please, can anybody help or relate?

I feel myself sinking..........