*Warning: Long post!

Background: I had to move back in with my parents during the middle of last year due to me divorcing my then abusive, alcoholic husband, which I feel like has also negatively impacted my health. I got laid off at the university I was working at due to lack of grant funding. I am most definitely actively searching for roles and I've been applying to everything I can find, but neuroscience seems to be a hard area to find jobs in. I'm already depressed because I can't find a job, and then I was told by a staffing agency recruiter that I won't be able to get a job outside of my state unless I relocate to the state where I want a position and look for a few months, which I find ridiculous because I am flat out broke. But anyway, yes, I am actively searching and applying for jobs so I can move out of my parents' house.

My official diagnosis is major depressive disorder but also with psychosis. My psychiatrist took me off of Abilify because I felt like it wasn't helping me anymore, so he put me on 20mg of Latuda to start. I feel like I am now back to where I started before I started any medication whatsoever. As it pertains to psychosis, I am seeing shadows again (I used to see them when I was a teen before starting medication), disconnecting with reality in public places (I go off into my own world and then I come back like a half hour later--luckily this doesn't happen during driving or anything), feeling paranoid, having (embarrassing) delusions, and I am so irritable that I feel like I want to tear my hair out. It's like something's crawling underneath my skin and I can't take it. I also have sensory-processing sensitivity where things like noises and lights seem to be so exaggerated that sometimes I can't see and I can't filter out what's going on around me, which has made me rock back and forth because I feel like it soothes me with the hypersensitivity. My ex actually used to get mad at me for rocking. My psychiatrist is out of the office until Monday, so I had to call the on-call psychiatrist a few days ago and he said to increase Latuda to 40mg, which seems to be working but only a little bit. I have stopped seeing shadows, at least. As my disorder pertains to depression, I have lost most motivation and most of my will to live. My psychosis gets worse when the depression gets worse. I am also a PhD student and I am having trouble with meeting deadlines. Part of me just doesn't care anymore, whereas the part of me who has motivation is still trying his hardest to complete the work. I haven't started my dissertation yet, thank goodness. I used to feel like my medication created a barrier where the depression pokes out sometimes but is usually behind that barrier. Now I just feel like nothing is helping me anymore. I have been on over 25 different medications and antipsychotics are the only medications that seem to help me to the point where I can function. My psychiatrist does want to put me on another antidepressant, though, and has told me in the past that he is treating me for either MDD with psychosis (my official diagnosis) or schizoaffective disorder.

The issue: My mother is an RN and she really just doesn't seem to understand mental illness. Something sparked me today: seeking her nursing insight randomly, I asked what the biological explanation of rocking is, unaware of what she'd say. I was telling her why I do it (I'm very good at hiding it, but sometimes I can't control it) and she goes, "Oh, I really hope you didn't do that when you were at work." I did, though, and I used to hide it very well from my PI because she wasn't there a lot of the time, but when she was there and I couldn't rock I would end up getting very irritable and feeling like there was something that needed to be let out, if that makes sense. So I told her that and after a few comments she said that people shouldn't feel comfortable around people who rock and that if she saw someone rocking she'd feel unsafe. First off, why would you say this to someone who is dealing with mental illness and just told you he rocks? This leads me back to when, a few weeks ago, my mom said "schizophrenics shouldn't be in relationships," and a few days ago I was telling her about that student who runs the non-profit Students With Schizophrenia and she said that "schizophrenics probably won't have careers." She also told me that I complain too much and try to blame my mental problems on other people. I probably do complain a lot, honestly, because I'm so depressed that the negativity just comes out. But telling me I'm trying to blame my problems on other people when I'm experiencing psychosis? And why would you say things about people with schizophrenia and the rocking when my experiences are so similar?

Has anyone had similar experiences with their parent(s)? The main point of this post is to just vent because I can't take it. My own mother makes me feel like I'm absolutely insane and I feel like she's making me worse. There are just things you shouldn't say to people.