I'm going to pour my whole life out onto Reddit because I need someone to talk because I am confused about myself and I can't talk to anyone in person yet. I'm going to use a different name to refer to myself and the people involved in the story. I'm between the ages of 18-22. When I was 4-8 I was molested by a family member, I am not sure if it presently affects me and my mental health in any way. My family is well off, middle class earning 150k-200k a year and we live in a large house going on vacations to Europe and Asia in past years.
I have 3 other siblings. My parents are very religious and I was raised as a Christian. When I was 6-8 I molested one of my younger siblings, I did not touch them inappropriately but I made them touch me inappropriately but not my genitals. I am not sure if this affects me mentally or emotionally. I feel very terrible and guilty due to this. I've always had trouble in school, my teachers never liked me and would often punish me. I would get terrible grades throughout elementary school, junior high (1.8 gpa), and high school (3.4 gpa). I would bully people often as a kid and I didn't have that many friends. During Jr. High I had 3 friends and I was extremely anti-social. During High School I started drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana. I got moved to a new high school where I spent my sophomore-senior years depressed and sleeping in every class. I would sleep during orchestra, French, physics, English, art, etc. I became addicted to this gaming when I was 6-8 years old, I have been playing the same game for over 14 years off and on. Before my second semester at University I became addicted to gaming again and became extremely depressed so I withdrew and dropped out of University. I would play non-stop 14-16 hours a day without sleep and I would often go days without sleep. When I came home from University I became depressed for 2 years. I had no friends only myself and my online friends from the gaming community. The gaming community that I was a part of was extremely toxic and cruel. Cyber bullying, scamming, and internet dating was extremely common. I have done all of these things because I was introduced to them by the online community. I began selling my nude pictures/pictures online to perverts for in-game perks. My parents found out I was doing this and the police were called and became involved because I was being harassed by people online for my idiotic and stupid behavior. I have attempted to kill myself once after the police incident which I believe I did in order to gain attention from friends and family. I am not 100% sure. I may have done it as a cry for help or in order to end my miserable life. I began seeing a therapist and began taking medication. I was also admitted into a mental hospital on a 72 hour hold. When I was a teenager I became obsessed with the idea of joining the Army in order to become an Army Ranger, I was off and on again obsessed with the idea for several years and have recently given up on the idea of ever becoming a Ranger because it is impossible now and completely unrealistic. I recently reconnected with a friend that is attending University in another state. I left my house and began living with their family for several months. I began smoking marijuana multiple times everyday. During this time I began selling my body and prostituting myself to older people for money. I began doing it in order to buy more weed and alcohol and repay my friends for letting me stay in their home. I told my friend I was selling myself. I am not sure if I did it in order to gain attention/cry for help/or just wanted money. My phone recently broke so I have stopped selling myself. I have not been in school for over 2 years. I have only worked 1 job that I was nearly fired from. I don't have any friends. I cannot see my future or past the age of 24. I often talk to myself. I have never been in a serious relationship with anyone. I am extremely impulsive. I get paranoid often. I've always wanted friends. I'll try to answer any questions anyone has. I'm not sure if this should be posted on r/offmychest