I hate myself and trying appreciate my life doesn't do much for me. I am in therapy I hope that it pays off well. I am incredibly lonely with low self esteem, social awkwardness , ADHD, and what is pretty much some form of depression. I want to move forward but I plan to. Originally I never planned how I wanted to die but I knew given ten more years of feeling like this I would probably do it. I got it down to 25. I thought maybe shortly before doing it I might go to Amsterdam or somewhere else really seedy and have sex with prostitutes (because I am pretty sure if I could just get some actual sex I wouldn't be such a lose, obviously I now know that things are a bit more complicated than that) but if it didn't work I'd come home and end it. I'm currently improving in a kind of fucked up way. The idea now is if I reach 30 ill systematically drink myself to death over the course of several years just to give life a bit of a chance in the most fucked way. I don't actually want to die though I fear death but I also fear how long will it take until I just say that I genuinely feel suicidal. I don't think my problems are enough to make me suicidal I feel like a pussy.