I'm starting to think that I actually have narcissistic personality disorder, not just narcissism. Why do I say this? Because I went to a strip club (I don't usually go, only gone a few times I was trying to get over anxiety, thought it might be worth a try) 2 weeks ago, one of the strippers came and talked to me for no more than 5 minutes, and then I saw her later on stage and then I was in "love". It was actually more like imprinting. She was there, she was aesthetically pleasing, gave me some attention, and my brain did the rest. This has happened to me in the past. I've fallen in "love" with women I don't even know and when I think about my past relationships, I wasn't in love with a person. I don't think it was even love and I may very well be incapable of real love.

A little more detail on the past loves... my first gf, it was her hands "clam-hands" and her eyes..I called her integral for some reason. That's all I knew of her. My second gf it was "pickle hand" and tumbleweed, cause of her hair. Every time I saw a picture of a tumbleweed, I thought of her but I mean she literally was the tumbleweed. Also bats too, because she said bat at a random moment once. I also made the association between her and small furry animals for some reason. Again, I didn't really know her as a person. Actually read somewhere that sociopaths tend to see people as animals and I do this. When I was in a psyc ward there was this weird guy walking around with his neck out pacing the halls, and I tried to tease him, but I "loved" him...but not as a person, he was just entertaining and interesting, but that's my depraved version of love...I don't think I can experience real love for a person.

I fall in love with quirks, and mannerisms. All I have is lust and a romantic high. That doesn't mean I don't get attached, at least in terms of brain chemistry, it doesn't mean that once the person leaves and my dopamine levels drop that I don't feel like crap, just that it's not a genuine feeling of loss, it's just dysphoria.

This really makes me suspect I might be a narcissist.

I don't know if I've ever really fallen in love with a person. Everybody to me is just a caricature or an abstraction, not a 3 dimensional person, but a template.